Common Narcissus. How To Deal With A Narcissist - Self-development

We continue to publish a series of articles by Leonid Krol, creator of the Coaching Workshop project, professor of the Psychoanalytic Coaching and Consulting Master's program at Higher Scool of Economics, and author of the Incantico blog. Leonid Krol identified 15 psychological types, one of the most common is the narcissist.

They say nothing can be done with daffodils. They say they are hopeless. We don't think so. How to deal with these certainly brilliant, but difficult people?

• Do not argue with "I am the loveliest in the world" (smarter, faster, sexier …). You can ask, emphasize, clarify, but not question this point, otherwise they will part with you quickly and harshly. Yes, you are special. Let's join in, gradually make adjustments.
• Shards of a mirror broken by a troll fell into the eyes of the narcissist: he has a lot of negativity and irritation on various occasions. If you stick to it, it will troll with pleasure. But if you walk nearby, live in neighbors, often and gradually warm up, as if not paying attention to the brilliance, but emphasizing the warmth of your relationship (even if it is partly "induced" by you) - there is a chance that the narcissist will relax, stop thinking all the time about how it looks, gain strength to look at you.
• To be with him as if in a room of crooked mirrors: to show others, their transformations and reflections, sometimes yourself with them, "twist a cartoon", compose a comic strip, gossip a little (this is his field!). Like the secular wits of the Pushkin era. Grimacing with others can make your face much more mobile.
• The narcissist's world consists exclusively of his assistants. Not everyone can do it, but everyone should try. It's like a pyramid in a circus, where he is at the very top. It is useful to discuss his assistants with the narcissist, so he gets to know people, changes places with them and he himself becomes someone's assistant for a while, and through this he becomes himself.
• When contact is established - to alternate injections and strokes, it is bold but kindly to talk about the main problem, bring it into awareness, let it get used to it with homeopathic doses of shame - and then an antidote. Here you need precision and subtlety.
• Independence training: never let fall in love (injections are useful for this too). Be openly imperfect, stupid, treat your own mistakes casually, with humor. Emphasize (non-verbally): "I am with you, I like you, but you do not love me and I am not in love with you."
• Contact improved (but not to the point of falling in love) - try an open diet for self-esteem. How and how long to live, so as not to praise yourself and not to compare with someone, calmly note the emerging envy and shame - the main "downside" of narcissism.

Self-love can become a vice or a virtue, depending on the tastes and passions of the person

Claude Helvetius

• Learn to endure shame, talk about it and endure pain. The process is slow, difficult, but real: narcissists are usually smart as demons, they can be convinced of the need for this rationally. To live painful moments of sobriety and going into reality without idealization.
• Monitor your own narcissism: the slightest fraction of this component will cause allergies!
• A narcissist who is trying to "get off the needle" of self-esteem feels empty, rejected and tries to escape back. It is worth remembering that, in addition to the mirror, there are also optical systems for observing others: a microscope - for close scrutiny, a telescope - for discerning "distant vision". Personally worked out narcissist transforms into a magnificent cynical observer, tenacious and sharp, noticing, knowing the wrong side of the small and pathetic in the big Universe.
• It is especially difficult for the narcissist to experience his emptiness, "everyone is good, but I am ugly and lacking normal empathy." If you look into deep wells, you can see that there is water in them too - only it is very deep: you need a long rope to scoop it up. The depth of the well is the measure of the narcissist's suffering that moves him away from his "I" - the pure water at the bottom. Experiencing the metaphor physically, actually pulling out and quenching your thirst, can help you embrace it.
• A mirror - when used correctly - is not a drug, not an enemy, but a tool. It is worth learning to look in the mirror not at yourself, but at others and at the mirror itself. After all, they are also different and reflect imperfectly: foggy - in the bathroom, old with worn out amalgam, dusty rear-view mirrors. Not everything needs to be clear, but changing clarification is part of the essential path.