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Video: Freedom From Yourself: How To Stop Reproaching Yourself For Everything In The World - Self-development
Self-criticism, reproaches, self-criticism, comparing ourselves with others, censure and ridicule - this is not a complete list of criticism that we feed ourselves daily. Sometimes it is not noticeable and manifests itself only in a weak background throughout the day or a whole week. Sometimes it bites into us, tormenting the already tired I with outbursts of hatred and selective abuse against me.
Why do we scold ourselves?
Favorite topics for self-criticism can be appearance (perhaps the most painful topic for girls), the manner of talking (getting to know each other, entering into a dialogue, maintaining communication), a negative assessment of their work, their skills, actions, etc.
We are so used to reproaching ourselves that it does not even occur to us to think about the words with which we harass ourselves. Or maybe we are wrong and there is nothing to scold and reproach ourselves for?
The words addressed to ourselves are most often the voices of one of the parents who tried to make a Human out of us with the help of criticism and prodding. It can also be the voices of our teachers, who gladly pointed out our mistakes. So they tried to do as much good as possible so that we could break out into people.
Numerous adults “You can't! Don't behave like that! Look at yourself! Keep quiet until they ask you! " are consolidated as a kind of protective mechanism that "helps" to learn the rules of behavior in the family and society. Growing up, we habitually use this outdated defense mechanism, but now to our own detriment.
In adulthood, we are rarely criticized by anyone, and it would be superfluous, because inside us there are whole deposits of dissatisfaction with ourselves. The more we were reproached in childhood, the more often self-criticism turns into fanatical perfectionism with such high standards that many do not even try to achieve them and simply give up. Or self-criticism turns us into fearful, avoiding difficulties, all dissatisfied people who go out of their way for the sake of someone's praise or compliment (“But I can do that too! I can do it in two minutes! me a gorgeous car! ").
Words turned inward are no longer designed to help us become better, but only drive us to the podium of lynching:
- How can you love such a nonentity?
- Why am I so stupid?
- Why did I say that?
- I am an insensible idol!
- I should have been more …
- I should have …
- I have some shortcomings!
- The idiot, the idiot and the rag!
But what if we don't just say, think, hear reproaches and curses inside ourselves, but literally beat ourselves with them ?! What if such criticism and accusations affect us like the blows of a whip or a fist? We methodically, over and over again hit our Self in the face, inflict wounds on our inner Self. There is you - strong, tough, evil and there is another part of you, weak and endlessly terrorized by you. You want by all means to raise this weakling from his knees so that he finally comes to his senses and becomes what you want to see him. And you want to be better, bolder, smarter, more interesting, more beautiful. You no longer intend to blush for the weak Yourself! You knock out in your other self everything that you cannot afford and accept: perhaps it is gentleness, kindness, at times cowardice, sometimes bragging …
Self-criticism is always violence within the personality. You beat yourself up, and then you try to survive with broken ribs, a darned heart, a blocked throat and a face burning from slaps. How about giving yourself some freedom and taking off the collar of reproach we love to pacify and suppress ourselves with? Are we being unnecessarily cruel to ourselves?
In response to the beatings, our tortured and bleeding I will only grin, exposing the shards of knocked out teeth and spitting blood under our feet. Comparing ourselves with others, scolding ourselves on what the light stands, low and inadequately assessing our actions, ourselves, our appearance, we not only do not help ourselves, but more cripple. It is impossible to “become better” through atrocities and violence. In this way, we only raise a slave: bitter, weak, withdrawn, closed and trusting no one.
It is not surprising that we often do not find a place for ourselves in life, in new companies. We have no time to be interested in other people and new opportunities, because we are busy watching ourselves and calculating "minuses", we only have time to weigh kicks and slaps to our inner self: “Sit up straight! Don't mumble! Say something smart! What are you talking about ?! I look like … ". We are anxious, suspicious and apathetic.
How can I help myself?
It's time to take the collar off your lathered neck and try to live by accepting who we are. Yes, with a whole bunch of flaws! Yes, with silly jokes to the wrong address! Yes, with bags under the eyes and excess weight! You can go to work without makeup and catch the bewildered glances of your friends! You are allowed to get involved in comics at 50! It's great to spend the whole day on the couch without doing anything "useful"! Behaving stupidly at 30 is okay! You do not have to answer and react to all the replies of the interlocutor! You don't have to be good to all people, they will still find something to complain about! You can spend a lump sum on yourself and not feel selfish! You can value yourself more than your wife / husband! Admiring yourself is not a sign of narcissism!
1. You must learn to keep track of the moments when you start to criticize yourself.
2. As soon as you notice that you want to scold yourself again, try to do a short analysis:
- Why are you reproaching yourself right now?
- what words do you use for this?
- what triggered your inner critic? (what people, situation, words, actions?)
3. Is your inner critic really right and does he have something to scold you for?
4. If he is right, what is his rightness based on? What are your reasons for agreeing with him?
5. If possible, ask your friends and family for opinions. Is there really something to scold you for, or is this your habitual way of violent dialogue with yourself?
6. Try to give yourself more freedom and not follow your every move and word. Don't be so hard on yourself!
Photo: © Syda Productions / Photobank Lori