The Hard Way To Yourself - Self-development

Valentina pulled the phone out of her purse, but when she saw that Galina was calling, put it back. She was at a loss. Every time Valya faced something that was different from the familiar world of her family, she was overwhelmed by this feeling. She usually froze for a while and then got angry. It was urgently necessary to do something with the new information, which was destroying her entire familiar world.

At Galina's reception, Valya recalled the situation when in kindergarten her new friend Ira's mother dressed her to go home. For the first time in her life, the girl saw that this process, which she hated, could look like this. Irina's mother smiled and kissed her daughter, pulling on her hat and coat one by one, tying a scarf and buttoning her buttons. They laughed and looked happy. Valya fell into a stupor and after that she hated Ira for a whole year. She even beat her the next day, for which she was punished by the teacher. There was nothing for Valais at home. It seems that mom and older sister even praised her.

Vali's mother hugged and kissed the children on only one occasion. While drinking, she was very aggressive and it was impossible to avoid beatings. Then, having sober up, she drowned in guilt and tried to make amends. Gradually, the stage of repentance faded away, and beatings remained the only way the mother could touch the children.

Galina said that Valya is used to receiving love only through violence and simply does not trust other forms. This is how unfamiliar food feels unpalatable just out of habit. This seemed to Vala as a strange conclusion. She does not feel her husband's love when he hits her, but, for example, during sex. And in general, she was tired of scandals and fights, so she came to a psychologist.

The idea of what was happening in her family changed so rapidly that Valya got scared and decided to leave a psychologist. More precisely, Valya was very angry with her

This was a more common reaction than fear. It was not safe to be afraid in the parental family, and they could be beaten to death. But anger and aggression were the way to survive. Everyone fought: children among themselves, father and mother, parents beat the little ones and then fought with the elders. And this was considered normal. Valya thought that everyone lived like that. Therefore, the scene in the kindergarten, which was repeated more than once in different versions and with different people in her life, was perceived by her as a blatant deception and aroused rage. As a result, she stopped noticing this kind of relationship between people. “Life is not a movie for you,” my father would often say. And Valya noticed that this became one of her favorite phrases.

The parents divorced when the girl was nine, but they lived together for a long time, as they could not part. Both parents brought new partners home, and the situation once got out of control. The scandal turned into a fight, as a result of which the father went to prison, and the mother to the hospital. Valya and her sister were sent to a half-crazy grandmother, and life with a drinking mother remained in my memory as not a bad time. Valya remembered that it was then that she swore to herself to have a good family and never divorce.

Galina turned to her supervisor (a more experienced colleague). During the supervision, Galina realized that she had joined in the position of the Rescuer and was in too much of a hurry for her client to understand that she was living with a rapist. She did not take into account that Valya had never lived differently. She understood this, knowing the history of Valina's childhood and clearly saw the connection between the past and the present. She understood that Valya had chosen a husband who was similar to her parents, and this emotional dependence in the position of the Victim is familiar to Vali. Valya easily switches from Victim to the Persecutor, in this case, in relation to her. Galina felt that Valya was angry with her, and therefore did not come. But she preferred to think that Valya was scared.

In this the psychologist was right. Valya was really scared. She did not realize this, it was easier for her to get angry and accuse her habitually. Therefore, she called her friend who had recommended Galina to her and said everything she thought about this "girl who imagines herself a psychologist and know-it-all."

A few months later, Vali had a conversation inside. She spoke with Galina, her former psychologist. She told Galina that in fact she was the first who understood her and felt sorry for her. And it was difficult for her to accept. Because then she would have to accept that all her life she lives as a bat and an unloved girl who must choose between unnecessary and violence, after which they can give a little love. And the choice was obvious. And that she, Valya, was terrified that, having understood this, she would want to leave her husband. And where can she go with her two children without housing and work? Valya was no longer angry with Galina. She was no longer angry with the girl Ira and all those who once wanted and gave her love and attention …

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