Return Childhood To Children - Blogs

Parents are increasingly perplexed: “How so? We gave him so much! They enrolled in the most interesting circles. We took them on excursions. What was not taught. Where is he, our active, inquisitive and, most importantly, a happy child?"

At the consultation, my client complained about his third-grader son: "He studies well and seems to be doing everything as it should - there is nothing to reproach, but at the same time some indifferent, does not want anything …" And then he began to list what the boy was doing: in addition to school, he goes to chess, drawing, aikido, additional English and German, plus a swimming pool three times a week. I asked if he often meets with friends. "No! - Dad reports. - He has the whole day scheduled by the minute. There is no time for stupidity, thank God. " But is it really good?

Educational trends

Recently, three main "educational" trends have emerged in the public consciousness. Let's call them conditionally: as much as possible, as early as possible, as best as possible.

We strive to follow them in every possible way, otherwise, as it seems to us, we risk being left on the sidelines of life with our children.

As much as possible

If in our childhood circles and sections were perceived as additional activities, as a hobby, now it is a necessary element of children's development. The school curriculum is seen only as a foundation on which the "educational superstructure" should rise: some have it only a few floors, while others have a whole skyscraper. The less is better principle has been forgotten. On the contrary, the more the better! There are language courses, sports sections, and lessons with tutors for an in-depth program, electives, music and art studios, etc. One can only wonder how children cope with all this.

What drives us, why are we fighting so hard for the number of objects? We want the child to be comprehensively developed. We try to prepare him for his future life, "arm him to the teeth" so that he can "withstand the competition", we try to predict what he will need when he grows up. Yes, we load our children to capacity, but our conscience is calm: it seems to us that no matter what our child decides to devote himself to, when he grows up, he already has everything for this!

But often we “collect items” spontaneously, with an eye on others (“everyone does this”), not only without taking into account, but also contrary to the inclinations and interests of our children.

As soon as possible

Trying to get ahead of the “competitors”, we turn childhood into a competition, which can only be won if you enter the race at the “zero stage”. And now, from the creeper age, our kid attends developmental classes, we watch cartoons in English together, turn on Mozart and drive him, drive forward without stopping. It is believed that it is necessary to catch up to three years, while the baby absorbs everything like a sponge, and then it will be too late, as we are assured by numerous manufacturers of developmental aids.

The spirit of competition is literally in the air. Mothers jealously watch other people's offspring: "The rest are just turning from side to side, and mine is already crawling." But suddenly the kid of the neighbors spoke earlier. What a defeat! How so? We have been studying with cards since six months, developing speech! Isn't it time to go to a speech therapist?

We are not ready to wait, we do not give children the time and opportunity to mature gradually - moving from step to step smoothly, without jerking.

As best you can

Special expectations are formed for children. We believe that our child must certainly have some kind of talent (to draw or play musical instruments), and it is better to be “ahead of the rest” - to win always and everywhere, whether it be sports competitions or music competitions.

We do not leave the child the right to make a mistake, weakness, imperfection, mercilessly "raise the bar" and force him to "reach out and reach", adjust to the "world standards": by such and such an age he should be able to do this and that something - "otherwise he will not achieve anything." And if a child by nature does not have the ability or an elementary desire to take this high bar, he finds himself under strong psychological pressure. Often, the conditional love of parents becomes an instrument of pressure: if you want to be loved, achieve, become, improve. And the child is always afraid to be worse than others, to disappoint and upset his loved ones.

And if he did not justify our hopes, then we can reproach him, set up as an example a boy from a neighboring house or a more “successful” younger brother. He is constantly compared with the children of his friends, with his classmates: “Vanya is a better student than you” or “You play the violin worse than Tanya”.

Children have no past or future, but, unlike us adults, they know how to use the present

Jean La Bruyere

What happens to the children as a result?

Constantly pushing, urging, loading the child, not letting him "mark time", we expect that he will eventually be grateful to us: yes, he gets tired, it is difficult for him, but all this is for him, for the sake of his future. However, instead of understanding and grateful, we get a child with a whole bunch of psychological problems.

Neuroses and anxiety

Realizing that the main thing is to show a high result, children try to do everything without mistakes, do not give themselves indulgences, react painfully to any mistakes. As a result, they earn a lot of complexes - failing to reach the planned height, they demonstrate either adaptive or protest behavior. Others, on the other hand, seem to become infected with adult perfectionism and become obsessed with their achievements. They are now the source of their self-esteem: "I am what I have achieved."

Excessive requirements also contribute to an increase in anxiety: the child perceives everything as a failure except an unconditional victory. The so-called "school neurosis" develops: children begin to be afraid of being called to the blackboard, tests, competitions, public speaking. On the eve of the control one is sick, the other cannot fall asleep, and the third openly pretends to be sick in order not to participate in the next "competition". Unfortunately, in recent years "school neurosis" has become noticeably younger, and now it is already possible to speak with good reason about "preschool neuroses".

As soon as the child begins to lag behind, he is immediately hired a tutor, and he realizes that he cannot cope on his own, without outside help, this increases anxiety and anxiety. There is a feeling of chronic failure, self-esteem decreases, he falls into despondency, there is a fear of being rejected, “not to justify, not to correspond, not to achieve”.

Exposure to someone else's influence

We dream of raising children as strong, self-sufficient people with pronounced leadership qualities, but for many years we have been managing them like babies, driving them into the Procrustean bed of our expectations, setting goals for them ourselves, regulating their lives "to the last comma."

The child gets used to external control and relies on adults in everything - everything will be thought out and decided for him, and his business is to be diligent and obedient in order to meet the expectations of others. He is constantly being instructed and trained, so he feels small and dependent, in need of help and guidance. If his parents suddenly cease to control and guide him, he may quit classes, forget about his achievements and sit at home doing nothing. Such children are easier to manipulate than others - their weak "I" is looking for someone who can control them.

Lack of imagination, creativity

Children are creative by nature - they always come up with something, imagine. The most favorable age for the development of fantasy is preschool, from three to five years. Give the children free time! But it is no longer possible to just play today: each lesson should be of practical use, serve something and develop something.

When you do not have the opportunity even for a moment to “fall out of reality”, when pragmatism and purposefulness in everything, there can be no talk of creativity or creative thinking. The child passively performs only what is necessary. He is always waiting for a clue - so it is calmer and more comfortable.

With our eternal "must" and "must" we extinguish any creative impulses in children, and then we wonder why they grow up passive, inert, lacking in initiative.

Poor is the childhood that is sacrificed to mature years

Wilhelm Dilthey

Such a needed childhood

Considering childhood as a kind of preparation, a prelude to a future life, and considering ourselves responsible for this preparation, we force children to live childhood not as nature intended - in its entirety, but hastily, we do not let them enjoy this wonderful time. And yet childhood is not a prelude, it is life itself - real, valuable in itself both for children and for us. This is the most fertile period for communication, when our children really need us, when they are drawn to us, when they need our love, warmth, support. And we replace love with a surrogate, mixed with our own anxiety and parental ambitions, we answer the children's requests with our eternal “come on, come on” and take them to the next lesson. It seems that we give the children everything, but in fact we do not give the main thing - to live our own special, childish life and get whatwhat they are supposed to receive at this time.

We must value children as a gift, and not consider them as a kind of project. Of course, each of us has our own ideas, hopes, plans for children, and we are trying to implement them. Of course, something can be developed in a child, and something can be smoothed out, refined, made less noticeable. Just “don’t ask the poplar for pears,” as the Spanish proverb says. After all, ask, don't ask - you won't get pears anyway, and the energy spent on meaningless claims can be used for something more important and useful.

For our children to be happy and develop normally, we need to do, at first glance, quite a bit - to allow them to be children, and to ourselves - loving parents. Provide them with free time, the opportunity to play, develop "at their own pace", and most importantly - to receive love not because they are beautiful, gifted, successful, but simply because they are our children.

Who has never been a child will never be an adult

Charles Chaplin