We And Our Teenagers: Accept, Understand, Love - Society

In a village near Pskov, a tragedy struck: two teenagers took their own lives. Psychologists discuss what parents should be aware of and what should be thought about for parents whose children have reached a "difficult" age, how to maintain emotional contact with grown-up children and maintain trusting relationships.

Sergey KALININ, psychologist

Start with yourself. And children will figure out whose life will be the best example for them.

• 1. Dear parents, please accept the fact that your child is no longer your child. In the sense that he wants to be independent, adult and "separate" from you. He wants to live his own life, making independent decisions. He wants freedom. And everyone (including parents) who does not give him this freedom is an enemy.

  Therefore - learn to let go! To begin with, take a walk in the evening with friends, and then into a big life.

• 2. Parents will say: “How can we let him / her go ?! The child is so stupid, and there are so many dangers in life! What if he / she starts doing something bad?"

  First, the train has left. “What is good and what is bad” is mastered in preschool and primary school age. And if the parents were late with moral education in these years, then it is even more late to "educate" the teenager. You can try to control, but this is a direct path to the "war of fathers and children."

  Second, how can you get an (almost) stranger (almost) adult to do something that you (but not him) want? This can be done by force. You can convince. You can inspire by your example, charm, act as an authority.

  Many parents try to act by force: "Let's make life (according to our concepts) right!" And in response, they also receive a forceful response. And if it seems to adults that they are stronger, then this is a very big delusion - a teenager will always have an asymmetrical answer. In the form of an opened safe with a weapon or in the form of a jump from the roof of a high-rise building.

• 3. Smart parents are friends with their teenage children. They are friends as equals, and not “from top to bottom”. Have common hobbies; they always have something to discuss with each other; they are interested and have fun together. "They are cool! They are cool! They understand me! " - the best teen parenting review.

  But to deserve such a review, adults must descend from the height of their adulthood. They need to learn to listen, not just lecture. They need to learn at least tolerance (and not “What nonsense are you listening to ?!”, “What stupid clothes you put on! Learn to be patient, wise and a little cunning - in order to teach the child to think independently and make really adult life decisions.
• 4. And the most uncomfortable question: do your children appreciate you? After all, they usually obey the one whom they respect, whom they love, whom they admire. Are you (in the eyes of your children) and your life worthy of respect and admiration?

Anna KIRYANOVA, psychologist

The teenager is a strange and mysterious creature.

The teenager is almost always in danger, even the most prosperous in appearance. A small child understands very well what death is. Maybe because he recently came here from a mysterious world, recently began to live. And although the kid has no adult experience, he understands everything with his soul; he still remembers nothingness. And the two-year-old son of a professor fell out of love with walking in the park: there a passer-by crushed a caterpillar that the kid was admiring. "No more!" - sadly babbled the child, looking at the green gruel - all that was left of the caterpillar. "No more!" - he repeated sadly, pointing to the autumn leaves flying around … And he did not want to walk in the park anymore. He understood …

А у подростка происходит в сознании вот что: он понимает неизбежность смерти. Все умрут. Кроме него. Он лично не умрет никогда. Это невозможно. С ним лично ничего случиться не может. Со всеми может, а с ним – нет. Даже если он с двадцатого этажа прыгнет или выстрелит в себя – полежит немного, посмотрит в щелочку ресниц, как все плачут, а потом встанет и пойдет.

Therefore, they like computer games so much: the hero is indestructible. He can start all over again at any moment. Anew, with a supply of new lives. And therefore the teenager is afraid of the opinion of his peers; afraid of humiliation; afraid of losing authority; sometimes afraid of parents and teachers. But he is not afraid of death - for him personally it is impossible. This is just a temporary getaway; and then you can go back and start the game over. No return possible! But a person understands this, having matured. And why exactly so - no one knows. Scientists are researching this feature, and we will just know about it. And carefully watch your teenagers and love them so that they do not want to run away for a while. Run away to where there is no return.

Photo: Elena Makarova / Photobank Lori