At A Psychologist's Appointment: 3 Stories About Childhood Trauma - Society

Childhood experiences have profound and dire consequences in adulthood. This fact is well known as well as the phrase “We all come from childhood”. However, adults stubbornly refuse to put themselves in the shoes of children in order to try to understand them.

Children are small people. But in comparison with us, adults, they are great losers in terms of opportunities. They have no way to get away from those who do not love them, do not understand. Children are all dependent on adults. This makes them very vulnerable and therefore completely defenseless.

It usually starts very nicely. Now it has become fashionable to proclaim the fact of pregnancy. All relatives and friends are immersed in a state of expectation. And so it happens - a little man appears. Everyone rushes to consider who he looks like, to invent who he can become … Undoubtedly, it is very anxious to peer into the little face and find confirmation of participation in this great miracle - the birth of a new life!

- Oh, he wrinkles his nose so, just like you!

- Look, she has dimples on her cheeks when she smiles! And you too!

How you want more of these similarities! Continuation of the family. Dreams, plans.

But why is the sentence usually built like this: "He will be a pianist …", "She will be a gymnast …"? Don't you think that there is a hidden subtext of the deliberate self-elimination of adults ?! You can say this: "I will show him the beauty of music …", "I will develop her flexibility and grace." It's easier to say that they themselves will be athletes, musicians …

And one more question. Why then, later, does it not even occur to us that children really look like adults?

First story: A cry for help

A phone call from a distant friend of mine.

- Help! I do not know what to do. The son is completely uncontrollable. Wants to do nothing! She snaps, does not help around the house, cannot be taken off the computer …

- How old is he?

- Fifteen.

- Tell me, was he obedient yesterday?

- No-no …

- And the day before yesterday? A week ago? A month? Can you roughly name the starting point for the beginning of his disobedience?

- All clear. So it is hopeless. And so it will be. Wherever you go now …

The father did not want to bother remembering exactly when the boy had the first manifestations of disobedience, let alone think about and understand the reason for their occurrence. So why should a son now make any efforts to understand what exactly his parents suddenly began to demand of him ?!

It is possible that the parents had their own life questions, the search for solutions. Probably, the father's model of behavior was the same as the son is now showing: “Ay, I don’t want to, I won’t, let it be, so it will be …” Why not admit now that the son is very similar to his father? The father's condition in this situation is a projection directed at his son, as a way of his own psychological defense.

Children are most often in search of "extreme" ones. Then the children of these grown-up children, then the children of those children and so on … An unpleasant scenario of the life of generations is drawn. With one single starting point: at some point, parents have ceased to be attentive to their children. Nothing happens suddenly. The behavior of children reflects the state of mind of the parents.

Story Two: The Cruel Adult World

A senior pupil who had difficulty communicating with her mother opened up to her teacher. Throughout her speech, the subtext was "Tell my mother that I am good, that I love her, that I need her understanding!" Armed with the facts obtained, the teacher, without thinking twice, calls this girl's mother and carries on a dialogue literally from the position of the Lord God. The teacher informs her mother that her daughter is "getting out of hand" (a favorite adult expression), that she is confused with someone unknown, that the final exams are ahead, and that all that awaits her in the future is a job as a cleaner.

It is my firm conviction that every phrase of this teacher is a professional crime. But the worst thing is that the mother agrees and does not even try to interrupt the flow of personal humiliation of her daughter, not to mention protecting her child from rudeness! Thus, the mother is looking for an excuse for herself: "the daughter is growing up, I am lost." It's easier than trying to understand.

How does this girl feel? Now two close people are against her at once. And who to believe now? And who can believe her? She hasn't done anything wrong yet. Not yet done. But if everyone expects this from her, moreover, they model the future so unsuccessful, she probably has nothing else to do … It's easier than trying to prove that she is good.

Adults - parents, teachers - will always get what they expect. Therefore, such clichés, beloved by teachers, "They don't understand anything, they don't want anything" and the like, unfortunately, are true.

Tell me, can you imagine a teachers' council at which teachers, not students, are dismantled for academic failure? For example, what did the geography teacher do to make the children want to learn the capitals of all countries in the world? What did the geometry teacher do to give the material more lively? Everything happens according to a scheme honed for decades: "Your son violates the internal school routine, your daughter does not fulfill the requirements …"

Little people are forced to defend themselves. Without experience, without knowledge of how to do this, without any support … But it seems that quite recently adults were so moved by the similarity of children with themselves …

Story three: At a psychologist's appointment

In front of me sits a thirty-two-year-old beautiful woman. She knows two foreign languages, has completed accounting courses. At work, they require higher education, but it still delays the moment of entering a university. The thing is that she is simply driven by the thought that she will have to answer and surrender something there. She has terrible, lasting memories of her teacher who humiliated her every time she summoned her to the blackboard.

How can a country have good professionals in their field if their teachers do not believe in pupils and students ?! Can parents be sure of their old age if they were not attentive enough to their children?

Through careless words, impatience and inattention to children, we lay in them the wrong skills, form a destructive model of behavior. How to be? Just a few rules can help.

• Rule one: never talk about him in the third person in front of a child.
• Rule two: never let anyone talk bad about your child.
• Rule three: more often imagine yourself in the place of children in the first and second rules. This will make it easier for you to find the key to the door leading to the world of little people. Children will definitely be like you!

Photo: © Ilya Andriyanov / Photobank Lori