Marry Priorities - Relations

Can a surge in sex life solve the communication problems of a married couple? What sex tricks are only partial, and which can even harm the relationship? Sexologist Yuriy PROKOPENKO tells about this and many other things.

More recently, there has been a popular idea that sexual incompatibility can seriously damage future family life. It was considered correct to "get acquainted" with your chosen one in bed, and then draw conclusions. How relevant is it now? Is it a mistake to marry or marry a person with whom sex leaves much to be desired?

Is it possible to answer unequivocally? After all, each in marriage is important to his own. If I, say, a young and attractive young lady, marry money, then what kind of mistake in the form of sexual incompatibility can we talk about? I will calmly lie here a little bit, nothing personal, but I will have excellent shopping. Or I, for example, an 18-year-old dumbass who is only interested in girls below the belt, but I have no place to meet. Yes, I will marry anyone, if only there is a "sexodrome" and an official "permit" for a comfortable sex life. And so on and so forth. In sex, as in life, everything always comes down to a matter of priorities. By and large, we also go out of priorities in marriage.

Of course, sexual harmony is important, but it is only one of the aspects of life together. There are five "marital" factors by which we consciously and subconsciously evaluate each other: material, physical, cultural, sexual and psychological. Moreover, each of them singles out something important, something fundamentally important, something not so essential, and something - and not at all critical. For modern young people, for example, it is not so important that a girl has no income, they themselves will earn, therefore, the priorities of appearance, culture or sexuality come to the fore. At the same time, attractiveness is much more important for one, sexual energy for another, and for the third a chance to talk about topics of interest.

What is the psychological factor in choosing a partner?

It's about how people are mentally compatible, how much they understand and accept each other with all the characteristic features. True, the psychological factor is the most insidious. It happens that a man has been telling for years that he dreams of marrying a languid, skinny blonde who plays the piano and shares his political views, and as a result chooses a plump, dark-haired Ukrainian woman as his wife, who understands nothing in music or politics, but cooks an incomparable borscht. What's happening? And there is a psychological substitution: yes, she does not play the piano, but what a wonderful laugh she has! Yes, she does not understand political realities, but how she listens, how she absorbs everything new! And even if not a languid blonde, but what a borscht! And our hero really believes that he got what he wanted. If the substitution is successful, then they live happily ever after. But the reality is not always so rosy …

Could more varied, "flying" sex save relationships in times of crisis?

Will treatment for a cold help you cope with the flu? Of course not - the runny nose is secondary, and the cause of the runny nose needs to be treated. In any crisis, it is important to understand what is primary and what is secondary. It is one thing if a couple had problems with sex and this became the cause of discord: a man and a woman became "not relatives." In such a situation, if you find a common language in sex, relations in general will improve. But if the spouses have been living like a cat and a dog for three years, and now they also have lost sex, then establishing a dialogue in bed is unlikely to save the situation.

There is such a concept - "family-sexual disharmony". The phenomenon, unfortunately, is not rare. Usually (in about 90% of cases), the general relationship first deteriorates, and only then sex disappears. Of course, in this case, you can look for sexual solutions to the problem, but they should be, firstly, joint, secondly - interesting, and thirdly - aimed not at normalizing relations, but only at improving sex itself. You cannot take intimacy as a wonderful pill: if you drink it, you will be healthy. No amount of sex on the balcony at sunset will save a relationship from failure on its own. This "pill" can be useful only as a result of a mutual decision, a joint outburst of caring for each other. Indeed, most often in sex, everything that has been violated in communication is manifested - the lack of mutual understanding, support, dialogue, and it is this interaction that must be restored.

Sex or sausage?

Nikolai Kibrik, head of the sexopathology department of the Moscow Research Institute of Psychiatry, believes that the crisis situation in the economy negatively affects the sex life of Russians: "People began to care more about their financial condition, to do things that are vital for them than sexual health." Lev Scheglov, president of the National Institute of Sexology, agrees with his opinion: “For the majority, the crisis causes, as it were, shrinking, cutting back on sexual subjects. When a crisis occurs and the most important problem becomes (I say, exaggerating) a piece of sausage, then the intimate sphere becomes scarce and becomes less significant."

Based on materials from the Russian News Service

Could non-trivial ways, relentless pursuit of new sex toys or even robots, harm a relationship?

Each step may be the last. Anything happens. The simplest example: young spouses, by mutual agreement, decided to try anal sex without having enough experience, as a result, after the first attempt, the young woman was taken away by an ambulance. Swinger meetings and exchange of partners can be perceived negatively. If the problems are within the family, such solutions will only exacerbate them. All kinds of group entertainment will rather lead to the realization that finding a new partner is easy - so why waste energy on restoring what is irretrievably lost? In this case, the problem dies along with the relationship.

Think about what difficulties you can solve with a vibrator? Yes, he will create even more problems! No man can compare with a vibrator - you don't need to build relationships with a toy, everything is simple. Or the sex robots mentioned. The button was pressed - a man, switched - a woman. The toy can even be divided: on even days she is with his wife, on odd days with her husband, but one question remains: when do the spouses themselves have sex, on February 29?

It turns out that sex toys only alienate partners from each other. However, if some moments can really be leveled with the help of devices - and you can do it together, then this is a way out. For example, a husband suffering from accelerated ejaculation himself helps his wife to reach orgasm with the help of a vibrator. This is already an element of cooperative play. But the trouble is that his ailment won't fix it. He still needs to see a specialist.

For some men, the very need to go to a sexologist can become a reason for resentment, anger and even conflict …

It's very simple - do not treat anything and tell the hunchback that he is handsome. But the problem will never be solved if it is not acknowledged. With all clients, I start out with the same thing: they must voice their problems. First, you should think about priorities and determine how important it is for a person to cope with an illness, how much he considers it necessary to restore regular sex and warm relations in the family. Today, at every step, we are faced with complaints about the lack of a rich sex life, and we ourselves spend days and hours cooking, cleaning, TV, or, even worse, hugging gadgets.

Often people think that everyday life interferes with having sex

Life does not interfere with anything. He was, is and will be. As well as the desire to have sex. Our psychology just changes, the attitude to sex becomes different. Time passes, and we already justify the refusal of sex for the sake of watching a film together by saying that "it brings people together." Actually, we just chose the movie over sex. Alas, the exchange is not equal, very often it is neither sex nor communication. We spend hours at home together, but at the same time we sit each in his tablet: "I have extensive correspondence on Facebook, I can't help but answer people." Meanwhile, the wife is already asleep. And sleeps separately. And he does it in another apartment. Or even in another city. And the husband does not even notice this …