Romantic Acquaintance: Correcting Mistakes - Relations

One of the most common problems women turn to a psychologist is unsuccessful attempts to create a family. It is not even possible to build more or less long-term relationships. Why it happens? Let's deal with the errors together.

Many people try to cope with such difficulties on their own. However, their complexity is in no small measure due to the fact that we do not see the real reasons. Relationship problems, like a blind spot, are not noticed, are not recognized by us. It turns out as with the hero of an anecdote who looks for keys not where he dropped them, but where it is light.

For example, many women think that their lack of success in men is due to "defects" in appearance, and take appropriate action - from strict diets and exercise to wear to botox and plastic surgery. Unfortunately, this is a false path, and even the advice of the environment (relatives, friends) is rarely useful. Usually people make recommendations based on their personal beliefs, subjective views and experiences. A specialist - a psychologist or a psychotherapist will help to see a realistic picture.

Consider a few bottlenecks that can hinder a woman's journey to a desired relationship with a man.

Acquaintance: Passive Position

According to the stereotypes prevailing in our society, the stronger sex should take the initiative when meeting. Many are ready to play by these rules, but at the same time there is one caveat. Men would like to see "signals" from an attractive lady they do not know, meaning that their initiative will not be rejected (especially in a harsh form). It's just a smile or even a warm look - and women who want to get to know each other should allow themselves to do such things when they see that they are interested in a man.

A modern single woman can afford to break the stereotype and be the first to speak to a man. This is a rational step that expresses a proactive attitude.

Criteria: Mission Impossible

The heroine of the song popular in the eighties wanted her husband "not to drink, not smoke and always give flowers." That girl's fantasies pale in comparison to the criteria of some of today's young women. Here and a high level of financial security, and a successful career, and excellent physical shape, and reliability "so that like a stone wall", and intelligence, and cheerful disposition, and solicitude.

In principle, all "parameters" are normal and there is nothing fantastic here. And yet a woman with such requests is likely to be left alone. Why?

One reason is that there are conflicting items in these wish lists. For example, successful businessmen tend to have a tough character, a directive way of solving problems, and they are not able to be as empathic, compassionate, emotionally open as a woman wants.

The second reason is that in an imaginary picture a man either already possesses all the desired advantages, or the woman expects that she can "remake" him. In fact, attempts to "re-educate" the chosen one will inevitably lead to conflicts, disappointments and, possibly, rupture.

The third reason is especially tricky. Behind all these "lists of criteria" there is often a certain figure with whom the candidate for husband is compared, consciously or not. Often this is a father, or, more precisely, an idealized image of a father - a "real man" who combines strength and tenderness, intelligence and emotionality, able to calm down and take on the solution of problems. Sometimes this standard is one of the "former". In both cases, a real person with his imperfections loses in comparison. The woman sighs: "not that one" - and remains alone.

First dates: "they don't go with such an iPhone now!"

Sometimes a relationship ends before it even starts - on the first date. What is the reason?

There are many young unmarried women in our society who are concerned that at their age it is time to have a family and children. Social stereotypes press so strongly that girls sometimes go down the aisle with the “first comer,” someone they don't like, just to gain the desired status. Such marriages are almost always short-lived.

Another reason is working in a business area. Things take so much time and effort from girls that there are few resources left for building personal relationships. As a result, the first date sometimes resembles an interview: there is a businesslike questioning about different aspects of the candidate's personality and life, mentally giving him “points” instead of free-liberated, benevolently interested recognition of another person during a pleasant conversation.

As you know, "the first impression can be made only once." The image of yourself that you present on the first date is of great importance, because there are many observant people, but few perceptive

Rarely will anyone think about whether a soft, gentle, kind creature is hiding behind the facade of the Snow Queen. Between the extremes of inaccessibility and accessibility, there are many other great attractive options, and every woman needs to find her own, organic.

But finally it came to a heart-to-heart conversation. What mistakes are made at this stage?

In an effort to dot all the i's, some do not hesitate to evaluate everything that the interlocutor tells about himself. “This car brand is no longer relevant”, “You have been working in one place for the sixth year already ?!”, “Every normal man has to do something, and you…”. The reasons for this tactlessness are in the desire to acquire a “high-quality” partner that meets the standards and stereotypes of success. This approach almost never leads to anything good.

The insidiousness of all the mistakes considered in this article is that the woman who commits them does it without noticing, and simply gets a negative result - over and over again. Not understanding what the matter is, she looks for reasons at random, focusing primarily on stereotypes. Alas, efforts in this direction are unproductive, there is no solution.

The right way is to turn to a psychologist and, together with a specialist, figure out what is happening, why and what changes need to be made in order to build long-term close relationships.

Photo: © Raev Denis / Photobank Lori