Rocky Shores, Drifting Icebergs And Other Vicissitudes Of Love - Relations

With the light filing of Vladimir Mayakovsky, we all know that a love boat tends to crash into everyday life. But not only everyday troubles can be attributed to those obstacles that are encountered in joint swimming. What other rocky shores, submerged rocks and drifting icebergs threaten the fragile boat of love? And how do you recognize these dangers and plot a course bypassing them?

Apple orchard

Source of danger

If you remember, the apple does not fall far from the apple tree. All the small and large habits that we have adopted from the parental family, all our ideas about a thousand and one little things of the “right way of life” - this is our “dowry”, which we blindly transfer to the newly created family.

If someone did not like the parental way of life, then the person is trying to build interaction in new relationships "by contradiction." But all the same, little-understood patterns and stereotypes of the parental family persistently set the tone for communication of the newly created couple. And there are complaints about “improperly brewed coffee - my mom tasted better”, “inability to fix the stool - my dad did it better” and other small “wrong” and “wrong”, starting from brushing teeth and ending with the schedule of visiting parents. Each apple tree in a metaphorical garden is a separate family with its way of life, habits, norms, rules. If the apples are from close "apple varieties" - it is easier for them to find mutual understanding.

The main threat

The key obstacle to this stage is the fear of meeting something new. But it is here that the opportunity to overcome the “rocks of family stereotypes” is also found. If the interest in another person is strong enough, if the trust in his goodwill is great, this helps to get out of the zone of “comfort of the usual way” and to try together to create a new interaction algorithm that takes into account the specifics of these partners.

What to do?

The main thing is to sincerely present your wishes and your concerns. It is very important to share and hear, present and perceive. It is very important to be in dialogue.

Dense forest

Source of danger

If you follow the metaphor of sea voyage, one cannot fail to note on the map those islands that are especially densely overgrown with trees. It is important for a man to cut a road in this forest, build a house, plant his own trees. And it is important that the woman support him in these endeavors. It is important for a woman in any forest to feel desirable, unique, beloved. It is important to be sure that the man did not get lost in his forest adventures and did not forget about her.

The forest in this case is a metaphor for society and social realization. The culture of each society offers its own recipes for "correct" male and female behavior, including behavior in the family. Partnership expectations are formed in the space of this culture.

He is a mammoth hunter and a thunderstorm for neighbors. She is the keeper of the hearth and the warrior's night consolation. Of course, the set of expectations is much wider and more varied. It is sad that in such expectations we do not see a real person. More often than not, we “stick” the image of the correct role on our partner and on ourselves and honestly try to “play a beautiful fairy tale”.

The main threat

The strongest fear at this stage is the fear of social inadequacy. Therefore, after the first failure of the “fairytale marriage”, women diligently play the role of “magic beloved” with other princes and forest robbers. Men just as diligently continue to cultivate their "platform of social self-realization", turning to a woman only in case of extreme physiological necessity.

What to do?

To overcome the barrier of social expectations helps to go beyond the notions of success imposed by mass culture. A dense forest of social challenges and difficulties can be frightening and confusing. And it can give the possibility of creating personal paths of the unknown. Or glades of joint activities and creativity. It is important not to look for a partner, because "it is scary in the forest yourself." The main thing is to do what there is striving for. And the partner will get to the space of similar values, ideas, vital interests along his own path.

The reefs of insecurities and fears

Source of danger

These eternal companions of each person are rapidly disfiguring the alluring horizons of relationships for both men and women. These may be fears of physiological inconsistency with ghostly patterns of "masculine behavior" and "feminine charm." Remember the humorous - princesses don't eat, don't farts and poop with caramels? And the princes are always fit, in shape and ready to dance until you drop.

The main threat

It is not just one particular fear that is dangerous here, but the very fact of the impossibility of avoiding these fears and uncertainties. The notions of male / female bodies and their “correct” functioning imposed by the consumer industry fundamentally spoil the life of those who live with a partner and those who want to find him.

What to do?

To overcome the fear of physiological insecurity - the development of trust in the wisdom of your own body and general maturation will help. Only at a certain age, success with the opposite sex primarily depends on external data and the ability to pass all the TRP standards.

Icebergs of fatigue and negativity

Source of danger

These floating ice floes of frozen feelings keep in themselves pain and disappointment from all previous obstacles - the mismatch of family traditions, a "puncture" in social expectations, growing disappointment with age in one's own body and its capabilities. And also - the vagueness of the general course of life, the absence of semantic landmarks, very often - depression and loss of the joy of life.

Partners with such symptoms are together rather due to the prevailing habit and some kind of contractual obligations - a common house, a common household, common children. Only, their life can hardly be called "a journey in the boat of love." Perhaps - a passive drift on a raft with the sad name "ordinary family".

The main threat

The most important "villain" here is the fear of one's own abnormality in relation to past experience, one's own and general social.

What to do?

The possibilities for overcoming such fear are, first of all, trust in oneself, in the people around. Also, a person needs faith in his lucky Star and a little naive faith in the help of external forces. Let it be a fair wind, directing the movement of the "life boat" in the right direction. In the most mysterious way, this wind gives a chance to meet the brave seafarers who dared to go beyond the "social normality".

In the open ocean

When cliffs and underwater reefs are left behind, those who travel together have new questions and new challenges.

How do you feel each other? How to sail in the same boat and still be yourself? How to remain yourself and be different at the same time?

In a joint voyage, each new day does not repeat the previous one. Each new experience opens up new opportunities and new perspectives. And here are a few tips for this stage of the relationship:

• You don't always need to focus on a goal. The goal is to restrict and land. Traveling for pleasure and experience is already a good enough reason to "go sailing."
• It is not only my "want" that is important in the journey. In a joint voyage it is important … not even to understand, but rather to live, to feel what the one who is nearby wants.
• The two in the boat need less and less boundaries. Not because they dissolve into something else. Because they enhance their sound by the presence of another. Two in one boat is one boat in the ocean of life. Perhaps the boat still has borders-sides to protect against oncoming sharks and unexpected currents. But the two in the boat are getting more and more experience of boundless trust in each other.
• Fears remain "overboard" the boat. We have already worked through many fears, but there is always a possibility that others will appear - along with stereotypes and fantasies, expectations and resentments. And this is also part of the path, certain "beacons on the journey." They must learn to notice and avoid them in time.
• You have to live boldly. When fears go away, when trust builds, there is ample room for building something excitingly new. Some call it love inspiration. Someone sees creativity in this. I like the wording - the ability to live bravely. And sincerity helps a lot in this skill.

There is no need to think about how sincere your partner is. Such a “mental fixation” is already a loss of spontaneity and boundless trust. Any mental fixation is limiting.

It is much more productive to stay “in the stream” of your own sincerity. Sincerity is not only in the relationship with a partner. Sincerity in relationships with the world "on a grand scale". Any activity and activity - professional, social, spiritual - everything is very sincere and very "honest". Such sincerity leaves no room for fears, falsehoods, lies. Such sincerity is the only way to stay in harmony with yourself, with your partner, with the world …

I wish you a bold and joyful voyage!

The author thanks his colleague and friend Vladimir Petukhov for the ideas formed in the space of partnership and discussion.

Photo: © Zden? K Malý / Photobank Lori / PantherMedia