Taking Off The "rose-colored Glasses" Of Love - Relations

From childhood, girls are put in the head of the mindset “you have to get married successfully”. “I got married successfully - pulled out a winning ticket”: “There was a wedding and a feast in the mountains, and they lived happily ever after.” However, in real life, after the "feast by the mountain" all the fun is just beginning.

The distance is just beginning, at the finish of which it will be clear who took which place, and no lottery and lucky tickets will help here. The first to come and the prize will be taken by those who together jumped over all the obstacles. And the obstacles for each couple are about the same, there is no ideal relationship.

There is a very wise expression - do not envy happy families, they went through all the same trials, but did not break

One of the very first tests that awaits any couple is to see your partner for real. We all marry princes, but for some reason after a couple of years the prince turns into a pumpkin, and there is a series of divorces or, at best, visits to family psychologists, with the question: "What to do with my husband, I don't understand why he has changed so much, I married another person. " And the paradox is that she married the same man, people do not change dramatically, and the character is generally formed by the age of 5, then only adapts to one degree or another to changing environmental conditions.

But at the moment of falling in love, when meeting a new person, we very rarely see him as real, not through the prism of rose-colored glasses, expectations and our own projections, not idealizing in moments of falling in love and not devaluing them in moments of quarrels, but in the present.

If we see a person as real, we make a conscious, real choice whether or not to be with him. Only such a choice can be considered correct, and only he has the potential to appreciate what is - the potential for further development.

How to see a person real, especially during the period of love?

• 1. As with any question, you must start with yourself. Therefore, the most important thing is to get to know yourself; we do not really know ourselves sometimes. We get to know others, try to understand them, read them like a book, but at the same time we do not know ourselves. Imagine, a stranger lives next to everyone. We sometimes do not know our strengths and weaknesses, pain points and weaknesses, moments where we need support and support. Therefore, before you understand another, you need to know yourself.
• 2. The next step is to accept and appropriate all parts of yourself, both good and bad, your strengths and weaknesses. To accept and recognize them as your own, not to try to remake yourself, then it will be easier to accept and see others as they are, without covering up their shortcomings with pink glasses, because everyone has them.
• 3. The third step is to trust yourself and rely on your inner resources. By idealizing or devaluing a person, we do not face reality. We are not facing a real person. Because meeting a real person is always a risk. We risk both our borders and our expectations, we risk being disappointed.

But for all the risks, the bonus from facing reality is significantly greater than if we continued to arrive in our world. To give up this kind of protection from disappointment, in order to meet with real life, you need to have a fulcrum within yourself. When there is support and resources inside, then there is an opportunity not to collapse from collision with reality.

Very often we deliberately put on rose-colored glasses and “do not see” the partner's shortcomings, so as not to end up alone. And here everyone has their own motive: society dominates someone, someone is afraid of being alone with himself and is afraid of loneliness, someone has persistent introjects inside about age and the need to create a family. If you have gone through the first two steps - recognized and accepted yourself, then some of the reasons will disappear by themselves. All the rest can be dealt with if you believe and trust only yourself.

Like in the movies

It just so happened that many films end after the "feast of the mountain". And few people tell a true story of real life, as in the film "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears" by Vladimir Menshov. This picture is the best way to show three female life strategies at once. And the character of Irina Muravyova could well become the heroine of the article.

Another film , In Bed with the Enemy, directed by Joseph Rubin, also tells the story of how the husband suddenly found himself a tyrant. And after all, nothing foreshadowed trouble - there was love and a romantic story before marriage.