Between Two Fires: Husband Or Mother? - Society

I have a wonderful family: a husband, two children, a job I love. Everything is fine, but my spouse and I constantly have conflicts over my mother. And I agree with him: she constantly interferes in our life, wants to know what the children ate, what I put them on, makes comments. I cannot go to the end of the relationship, because, firstly, this is my mother, and secondly, she helps us a lot with the guys, since there is not enough money for a nanny and we cannot cope without her help. How to let her know that she needs boundaries? How to install them without offending? Elena, 32 years old

Let's see what your main request is: in resolving conflicts with your husband or in limiting your mother's interference? What worries you in this situation?

It seems natural that since a grandmother takes care of children instead of a nanny, she worries about their nutrition, health, and upbringing. On the one hand, her personal affection for her beloved grandchildren matters. On the other hand, this is really her area of responsibility as one of the adults who take an active part in their lives. Perhaps she really overdoes and is worried beyond measure, and then your task is to remind that these are your children, that she has already done her great job in raising her daughter. Now you are following in her footsteps, raising your own children, although you accept her help with respect and gratitude.

To reduce the degree of conflict, remember together what good she did for you in childhood, what features of her upbringing and maternal tricks you would like to apply now with your children.

She will probably be pleased to know that her influence on you was not in vain, and now you are able to take care of her grandchildren and make important decisions on your own

If we talk about conflicts with my husband, then that's another story. It seems that you are in the position of an intermediary between him and his mother-in-law, and then the boundaries should be set in this triad. You are not responsible for their relationship, so you have the right to remain neutral. You are absolutely right that she is your mom, and breaking up can turn out to be even more difficult for the entire family system: for you, for mom and for children, it can be a big shock.

Think with your husband exactly how he would like to organize the situation, what constructive solutions he sees. It is important to separate his subjective irritation from the objective reasons for the dissatisfaction. In the event that you do decide to act as an arbitrator in their negotiations, try to set the tone for the conversation.

Maybe you can get a clear plan of action to be discussed instead of accusations and raised voices

For example, you can define a time when you yourself are staying with the children, and during this time no intervention is allowed. Conversely, when your mother is visiting you or sitting with her grandchildren, she has the right to lead what is happening.

In any case, remember that you are a grown woman and, with all due respect to your mother, you yourself are responsible for yourself and your children. Therefore, in order to maintain life in the positive key with which you started your question, treat this situation in a businesslike manner and do not succumb to provocations - neither by your mother, nor by your husband.

Photo: © Yakov Filimonov / Photobank Lori