Poor Relatives: Help Or Refuse - Society

My husband has relatives, they live in a small town. They constantly ask us for help - either money, or to shelter their acquaintances for a week, or to send something. My husband never refuses them, and I am annoyed, although I do not consider myself greedy. Marina, 37 years old

Dear Marina! It is not entirely clear from your question what exactly annoys you: what your relatives constantly ask for, or that your husband never refuses them. In many families, it is customary to help relatives, especially if they are not very wealthy and successful. It is quite possible that your husband grew up and was brought up in such a family. For him, providing a service, providing shelter or material support is the norm of life. In this case, we are talking about different views on such "charity" between you and your husband.

Perhaps you think that your relatives are exploiting your kindness and responsiveness, that it is simply uncomfortable for your husband to refuse, or that valuable resources are being taken away from you (not necessarily material ones, because time is also such a resource).

It also happens that a more successful person takes care of a poor relative like a poor, stupid child, thus increasing his inner psychological status. Thus, the “rich man” stops at the trough, and the “poor man” demands more and more gifts and services, envying and hating his benefactor. Doesn't sound like your situation?

Try to talk to your husband, discuss what is bothering you. Think up and offer other options for helping relatives that are more comfortable for you. For example, instead of meeting at the train station, offer to pay for a taxi - perhaps this will lead relatives to the idea that your husband is not always free to do their jobs. Advise your friends an inexpensive hotel, and you will not have to host them at home.

Of course, a refusal to ask for help is a delicate moment. Sometimes it can be difficult to explain to a person why you are not ready to sponsor him, especially if he is used to receiving help from you on demand. By the way, relatives may not even suspect that they are causing you discomfort.

It is correct to help only if you yourself want it and it gives you pleasure. If at the same time you have opposite feelings, anger, irritation, you harm yourself first of all, and sometimes the one who asks for help

Thanks to your periodic refusals, relatives will be able to learn to be more careful with the people around them, to take into account their interests. You will give them the opportunity to take responsibility for their position into their own hands, learn to be more independent, plan their lives in accordance with the circumstances.

Feelings of guilt should not torment you, because you are not responsible for the financial situation of other people. Remember that the main thing in this situation is to come to an agreement with your husband. Otherwise, nothing will work.