Second Mother: Rules Of Communication With Mother-in-law - Society

“There are two empty chairs in paradise: one is for a good mother-in-law, and the other for a good daughter-in-law,” says an eastern proverb. How not to fall into the grip of stereotypes and build the right relationship with your “second mother”?

Why bother building a relationship with her? - some young ladies with bad experience will grin … Do not rush to dismiss your spouse's parents. A war with them, even if it is "cold", will greatly burden the life of your family and upset your husband. Mutual complaints will fall like a cornucopia, hurting him over and over again. After all, in spite of everything, he loves both you and his mother, and cannot change her.

Tricks of the subconscious

The theme of confrontation between two loving women was mentioned in mythology, and its relevance, despite significant changes in the family structure, does not dry out. Why is it so difficult for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to come to an agreement?

They are hindered by:

• jealousy and a sense of rivalry for the love of a son;
• difference in age and views;
• stereotypes, negative expectations on both sides.

Psychologists have long noticed that many mothers subconsciously seek to destroy a new family. It is difficult for a woman to accept the changes that have occurred in her life. It's good if she has younger children and a husband, and if she is single, then her world is empty with the marriage of her son. Passions are especially heated by cohabitation, financial dependence and the appearance of grandchildren.

Under the same roof

They say that love for a mother-in-law is determined by distance. And love for the mother-in-law is also personal boundaries. No need to look for an apartment on the other side of the world, but living through the wall is not a test for everyone.

What to do?

If possible - live separately, if not - strive for it. Even the belief that this is a temporary neighborhood defuses the situation. In situations where cohabitation is unavoidable, clearly divide the available territory and spheres of influence. Here is your room, and you are the mistress in it, here is your shelf, and everything is on it as it suits you. You cook dinner, and she goes to buy food. Draw boundaries from the beginning. Firmly, but not aggressively, agree on what is acceptable to you and what is not, and always stick to the established rules.

Emotional addiction

With age, the circle of interests narrows and a woman may become emotionally dependent on her son. By inertia, mom continues to take care of him as before. She stands guard over his comfort and satiety and would always do more than you do for him. “My soul hurts,” whether Vasya has eaten, whether his shirts have been ironed. Quite naturally, she tries to strengthen the bond in a variety of ways: frequent visits and calls, expensive gifts or complaints of poor health. At the same time, the wife does not want to share her husband with his mother.

What to do?

The attention and periodic reminders of the son that he really appreciates and loves her will save from addiction. Never forbid your husband to visit his mother. Better if you go with him. Can't (don't want to)? Let them be together, and you will do something pleasant.

The difference in age and views

Young girls have a desire to do their own thing, to defend their independence, while older women find it difficult to admit their shortcomings, they lose flexibility and trust personal experience too much. Unwillingness to hear and see mistakes on the one hand and constant criticism on the other give rise to a conflict between "fathers and children."

What to do?

Quarrels happen in any relationship. In a conflict situation, we usually insist on our own or yield to the opponent. But the mother-in-law is not an accidental neighbor on the seat on the bus - she was naughty in response and forgot, - similar situations will repeat over and over again. Be firm and adamant about the really important things, and where possible, willingly seek compromise. Be more attentive to words. And remember that you may seem to your mother-in-law the same alien creature as she is to you.

The power of stereotypes

Terry Apter, psychologist and author of What Do You Want From Me? (What Do You Want from Me ?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws. New York: WW Norton & Company, 2009), researched mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships, finding that more than 60% of women face problems and misunderstandings. Moreover, quite often dissatisfaction with each other has nothing to do with reality, but arises on the basis of generally accepted stereotypes. Stories from books and films, stories of friends make us prepare for the worst.

What to do?

Don't expect to be attacked. There are examples of very good relationships. Don't look for a catch where there is none. The mother-in-law said something ambiguous - choose a "good" meaning, said something unpleasant - try to find an excuse for this.

Common mistakes

• Avoid being too frank in your conversations.
• Do not swear in front of your parents and do not complain to them about your husband.
• Don't turn your grandchildren against your grandmother.
• Don't dismiss all of your mother-in-law's advice and recommendations just because she says so.

Homework

# 1: Learning to Say Thank You

Praise and give thanks when you have something. And there is always a reason. If you are at a loss, make a list of things for which you can say “thank you” to your mother-in-law. Didn't you eat your son's passport in front of the registry office? Didn't you give an encore "heart attacks"? Got a washing machine? Does it help you sometimes with money? Nothing should go unnoticed.

# 2: Greetings from Stanislavsky

Try to break down the situation by role. You will not have to get used to your image, but it would be good to try on the roles of mother-in-law and husband rushing between you.

Imagine yourself as a woman of her age, with a bright life experience. Add to this the feelings and need for the love of your son, faith in his perfection … and look at yourself through her eyes. A whole new level of understanding will open up for you.

Do not stop there, fantasize about what kind of mother-in-law you will be.

# 3: Important Check

Every person in our life is a teacher, and our relationship with him is a litmus test showing what is inside us. Think about what your mother-in-law's comments particularly hurt you.

• Jealousy and a sense of rivalry for the love of a son.
• After another encounter, sit down and write down the words or situations that threw you off balance.
• Next to each of your phrases, write an explanation of why this is important to you. For example, your mother-in-law said that your apartment was "overgrown with mud."
• Are you ashamed because you really didn’t have time to clean the room or think you’re not a good housewife?
• Think about how you can fix the situation. Is it really worth dusting up more often or doing self-assessment?

See how much good someone else's displeasure can do? And if you also make a bet with yourself: "Will I be able to remain calm throughout our meeting?" - then a visit to your parents will seem like an exciting game to you, and not a forced victim.

Relationships are continuous work, including fixing bugs. Do not rush to "put in place the old witch." Better yourself to stand in her place. Perhaps the situation will clear up