Table of contents:
- Some boys still manage to survive and turn into real men … not thanks to, but, one way or another, in spite of our 'upbringing' based on widespread myths
- 1. Overprotective
- 2. We are trying to replace his father
- 3. We are accountable for the slightest offense
- 4. We prohibit and restrain
- 5. We underestimate our own example
Video: 5 Mistakes In Raising Boys - Society
Some boys still manage to survive and turn into real men … not thanks to, but, one way or another, in spite of our 'upbringing' based on widespread myths
Psychologist, mother of two boys
What are the common mistakes we make when raising boys?
1. Overprotective
Many parents feel their child is part of themselves. Mothers, having no other object of applying their love, devote their lives to their son, sacrificing their own and proud of this act. However, this is not only harmful, but incredibly dangerous for the personality of the future man. By interfering with the formation of a new person, making decisions for him, doing hard work, protecting him from difficult situations, you can grow a weak-willed, insecure person who will consider himself weak and fragile, unable to be a man or believe that other people owe him …
Why are we doing this?
This is how we express our strong love.
What instead?
Show affection and care that does not interfere with independence, when the son needs it. True love differs from overprotectiveness by accepting the little man for who he is. Learn to be respectful of his character. Instead of trying to keep your son safe from anything and everything, tell him how to behave, how to handle dangerous objects, what to do in dangerous situations. Let him learn to swim, skate, learn that you can cut yourself with a knife and how to hold it correctly, etc.
See also: Raising a Son: Recommendations for a Divorced Mother
2. We are trying to replace his father
Sometimes mothers who raise their son alone try to become both parents for him in one person. Do not deprive your child of feminine, maternal love. After all, you will never become a man, and such "imitative" behavior will look ridiculous and unnatural. In addition, it is fraught with distortion of his ideas about women.
Some single women try at all costs to find a man as an example to their own son. The role of men in raising a boy should not be overestimated. In many cases, finding a "first-comer" man can cripple your son's male behavior for life.
Why are we doing this?
We believe that a boy will not become a man without a male example.
What instead?
Be yourself. Ask for help when you need help. Encourage him to take care of the weak. Teach useful housework skills based on age: clear the table, take out the trash, move the nightstand. Give from childhood the feeling that you need it - this is extremely important! - that he can do wonderful and useful things. It will not be superfluous to teach the boy to help not only you, but also the women around him: for example, to give up a seat on public transport or to carry a heavy bag to the entrance.
Literary, cinematographic and historical characters help to form the image of a "real man" in the mind of a boy. Read to him about epic heroes, noble deeds, care and protection.
3. We are accountable for the slightest offense
All boys sometimes want to play pranks. It is quite natural if a little man learns to assert himself and wants to feel his independence. However, many parents overdo it with control and punishment. Quite often, parents, not knowing for sure, a priori consider their son to be guilty, do not trust his words and listen little to his views on the situation. Such upbringing can deprive your son not only of faith in himself, but also of trust in you. In the future, he will most likely constantly feel that “he is doing everything wrong” and even that he is so “bad” that he is not worthy to live. Your son, like everyone else, needs your acceptance, sympathy and warmth. And besides, you should not stop him from making his mistakes and learn from them.
Why are we doing this?
We believe in the myth that a boy needs to be brought up "in severity."
What instead?
Praise for your successes. Praising a little man is the most effective way to correct his behavior. Try not to dwell on his "bad" behavior, but calmly explain the consequences of his actions. Instead, show your approval and admiration for his “correct” behavior. In this way, you help your child to believe in themselves. You will achieve the greatest effect if you do this in coordination with your father.
4. We prohibit and restrain
It is important for a boy to try himself in different things that sometimes seem superfluous or dangerous to us, especially in adolescence: in different subcultures, style, music, esotericism, skateboards, motorcycles, etc. - in everything that can arouse his interest. Only by trying will a young man be able to find himself, his place in this world, to know the limits of his capabilities.
In addition, it is perfectly natural for a boy of any age to get involved in fights, argue, defend himself. Suppressing any desire to rebel and protest, many parents break the will of their child. In the future, such a “broken” man will not be able not only to take responsibility, but, most likely, will suffer from a constant feeling of dissatisfaction with himself and the world around him.
Another scenario is when, in adolescence, having finally received a little more freedom, a young man goes all out, trying to make up for lost time in previous years. Thus, he already finds himself in really dangerous situations.
Why are we doing this?
We want our son to fit into society.
What instead?
Learn to be responsible. Give your son the freedom to make his own choices and decisions, even if you don't like them. But he himself will bear responsibility. You can start from four to five years. Do not under any circumstances bother him if he intends to do something on his own! This behavior of yours, as well as the attitude to the little man as to an adult, will contribute to the formation of an inner core in him.
Try to accustom your son to work from an early age: let him have his own little rake, watering can, brush for cleaning the car. Use your son's desire to imitate adults in a positive way.
Self-discipline and self-organization are well helped by sport. In addition, you can shape the interests of your child yourself: take him to a circle of robotics, burning, photography or painting. Some parents find this to be a great help in relieving their child of computer addiction.
5. We underestimate our own example
Your child learns the fastest and best by copying your behavior. We all know about this, but for some reason we start to forget when it comes to our own children. The boy will perceive your relationships in the family, your attitude towards other men as the most correct. If you think your husband is not capable of anything, your son will treat other men and himself in the same way. If you constantly express your dissatisfaction with the behavior of the men around you, do not expect your son to be able to respect himself as an adult. On top of that, he will get deep complexes in his relationships with women.
Educational measures and daily moralizing will have no effect if your behavior is at odds with what you say
Why are we doing this?
We do not want to take responsibility for our own behavior.
What instead?
Treat men with respect. It is impossible to overestimate how important it is for a boy to see and feel from his own experience what a woman's trust and love for a man is. After all, it is the relationship between mom and dad that will become a guideline for him (and sometimes a tracing paper) in building relationships with women throughout his future life.
