Store Or Bury - Society

People are always in a relationship! Even if they quarreled and don't communicate, it can still be seen as a form of interaction. For example, in conflictology, the avoidance of each other by the parties to the conflict is regarded as one of the possible strategies of behavior. So when they talk about "maintaining a relationship", by default they mean the option where there is at least the possibility of contact. So, save or break?

Maintaining relationships in conflict is a great art. And here a lot depends on the stage of development of the conflict. The general logic of escalation (growth) of even the most insignificant disagreement is moving from isolated incidents and clashes to full-fledged "military actions" and, accordingly, to a complete loss of contact between the warring parties. And if at the initial stages independent reconciliation and restoration of contacts is still possible, then all kinds of intermediaries are used to maintain communication.

Mediation

Even special technologies have been created for negotiating for people in conflict. One of the most famous is mediation, which is negotiations between conflicting parties with the participation of a specially trained mediator-mediator. Conversations are conducted according to special rules, which are based on the principles of confidentiality, voluntariness, neutrality of the mediator and self-determination of the parties. That is, the mediator is not personally interested in the results of the negotiations, does not take sides in them. He oversees the implementation of the negotiation procedure and helps the parties to conduct a dialogue in a constructive manner. At the same time, the parties to the conflict themselves develop options for solving the problem and are responsible for their implementation. It should be noted that some types of mediation, such as family and restorative mediation, place particular emphasis on establishing or maintaining normal relations between participants.

After love

A special case is the desire to stay in a relationship when love has passed. Well, if this happened for both partners at the same time, then usually there are no special problems - both agree that it's time to just “stay friends”. Some also leave sex for a while. As one client of mine used to say, “I’m having emotionally safe sex today,” referring to my relationship with my ex-husband. By the way, in this way she was quite successfully treated for a long and dramatic feeling for another person.

It is worse when love passes only in one of the partners. Then the second is not up to maintaining contacts: anger, jealousy or resentment presses (depending on how the parting happened). And desperate attempts may begin to return the departed or leave at least some kind of connection. Moreover, the range here is very wide - from timid attempts to "remain friends" to "if you leave, I will do something bad with myself!" And here, perhaps, there are no universal recipes, the only possible solution is not to forget about logic and the presence of reason.

Full merge

A special case is the desire to stay in a relationship when love has passed. At first it seems that they have reached the ideal - together at work, at home, on vacation. And then it turns out that such a round-the-clock regime is only good for the first few months of teenage love. Because it is very desirable for adults to periodically rest from each other. Different couples solve this problem depending on their capabilities. Someone goes on vacation separately, others agree to go to visit alone. Any means of preserving your Self will do, because full-fledged relationships are possible when a common We is made up of two different I.

The third is not superfluous

Lots of tutorials have been written on how spouses can keep their feelings alive after having a baby. And the problems do not diminish. Because the birth of even the most coveted baby completely turns the life of any married couple. A different sleep and wake schedule, changes in diet, partial or complete absence of sex, 24-hour mother's employment and severe sleep deprivation in both parents. And few men will like the fact that a woman who belonged to him completely suddenly begins to devote herself entirely to another person, even a newborn. And no matter how the head of the family convinces himself that this is right, and no matter how he loves his offspring, at some point he will have to "win" the woman's attention and time from him. As they recently joked on the Web, "a competition for dads: put the baby to bed and get a mom as a gift." Otherwise, a man may quickly feel redundant. In such a situation, the ability of spouses to find time to be alone is useful. In this matter, by the way, grandfathers and grandmothers turn out to be wonderful helpers, well, the presence of a separate living space with them, at least in the volume of a separate room.

Every time peace reigns in the family, ask yourself: "What else have I sacrificed?"

Jean Rostand

Avoid poignant moments

Recently, another model of maintaining relationships has become relevant, one that many relatives separated by the political situation intuitively use - they do not communicate on sensitive topics. Moreover, they come to such a decision most often on a whim, limiting the range of discussed issues to health, weather and everyday household trifles. If family ties turn out to be stronger than political and value contradictions, there is probably no better way out today.

Sometimes time doesn't heal

Actually, the divorce was invented so that people could build their lives separately. In practice, quite often it is after parting that the most tumultuous relationships begin - the former spouses closely follow each other's life and participate in it very emotionally. It is considered in the order of things to ask a divorced person: "How is your / your ex / ex doing there?" The answer “I have no idea” is usually a genuine surprise.

But to establish constructive interaction between the “former” is really problematic. Especially if there are complaints or there is a desire to hook each other with something. I had to deal with the fact that for seven years after the divorce, a man periodically called his ex-wife, scolded her in every way, and this despite the fact that both had long had other families.

Dangerous conversations

We are so arranged that we define ourselves through contact with others, and it does not matter if they are real people or our internal psychological institutions. The only difference is that in the latter case it would be more correct to write the word “Other” with a capital letter. By and large, the relationship has to be restored after each difficult conversation. Otherwise, they will gradually fall apart from understatement. Indeed, it is in the silences that the tension is rooted, which in the end can blow them to shreds. But with every explanation, you have to take the risk of being in full contact with the other person. And this is difficult - you can always run into misunderstanding, resentment, fatigue, bad mood and many more reasons why we prefer not to dig deep in our everyday life. Moreover, such intense dialogues are always a test of mutual feelings. And this is even worse. That is why many people prefer to remain silent and pretend that nothing is happening, just not to change anything.

Time to leave

There is another option for the development of a conflict situation - to say goodbye to each other in time. Respect still remains. Until the unloved person is disgusted enough that you don't care how this separation will happen, and while you can do it as minimally traumatic and as carefully as possible. Fond memories are also a kind of good relationship.