Beautiful Far Away - Society

The desire to marry a foreigner for many women in our country, especially in the provinces, remains not even a cherished dream, but a very specific plan. Why is the illusion of “lifelong paradise” so attractive? And is everything so cloudless in paradise? Do ladies realize that with a change of country they will have to change their cultural code, habits, lifestyle, communication, even self-perception? And do they understand that a marriage of convenience is fraught with psychological problems?

The illusion that "where we are not", the sky is bluer and the grass is greener, is supported by watching foreign films and short but bright vacation trips. And if in your native land your career or family did not work out, you want even more to escape from problems, and emigration to your future spouse seems to be the easiest way out. More often women use this "way out", although in our time of mixing gender roles men are trying to solve their problems in a similar way.

Recently a foreigner from a third world country wrote to me on Facebook. When I turned down his generous marriage proposal, he did not give in to grief, but asked: “Do you have a woman you know who wants to get married? In any country, any age. I am ready to come to her and get married."

Sex for a tasty treat

Nevertheless, women often resort to such methods. Primate females have an instinct for “rewarding mating”: if the male brings a treat, the female is given to him. This instinct sometimes wakes up in women too - they try to use a man to get what they want, and in return pay with their bodies. Prostitution and marriage of convenience do not differ in their essence, they are built on the animal instinct of encouraging mating.

But emigration can solve only a part of the problems, moreover - external ones. Internal problems remain.

Oksana lived in the Philippines for a year. And she returned with the words: "We carry our heaven and our hell with us."

Those who do not know how to take care of themselves, rely on themselves and use their resources, those who want to rely on another person and use them to solve their problems, will not be able to arrange life in a new place. And he will face the same internal and external problems arising from them, as in his native country. Moreover, the difficulties of emigration will be added to this “bouquet”. But many women choose this very path and try to arrange their lives at the expense of men.

Let's call them "brides" because they want to get married. Prostitution is a hard and risky job, and it’s not socially prestigious, frankly.

Psychological portrait of the "bride"

“Brides” are no longer young, most often they are women between the ages of 28 and 40. In their youth, they dreamed of a handsome prince and waited for his appearance under the windows of the "castle". That is, they hoped to arrange their life in their hometown - or when moving to a larger city. But the prince did not appear, or whoever did appear was not a prince. Many have been married and have a child, but they have not succeeded professionally and financially. Often they did not strive for this, but made plans related to a successful marriage. Accordingly, education as the basis for future independent adult life was not laid. And now they are starting to actively search for a convenient husband. It is "convenient".

Finding a husband of convenience is an unconscious search for a “good parent”. A "good parent" for a child is one who meets his needs. The "brides" have an infantile consumer attitude towards men. Although they themselves prefer to call it "love" - it sounds more beautiful.

Angelina has been looking for a wealthy husband abroad for several years now, "for love." I ask her to describe the image of the desired spouse. The first criterion, which Angelina calls: "That he could buy me any shoes that I want."

Some "brides", like Angelina, being infantile personalities, sincerely consider the consumer attitude to a partner as love. For other "brides", the opinion of others is important. They marry for convenience, but it is important for them what people think at the same time, therefore they call their choice “love”.

Veronica is in a love relationship with two men from the same country to which she dreams of moving. Of course, men do not know about each other, she goes to one, then to another. The first is not going to marry her and does not hide it. The second calls for marriage. Veronica is worried: she wants to marry the first, says that she loves him. A little later, it turns out that she "loves" the first because he is a wealthy man and can cover her debts left over from an unsuccessful business, and the second is not so rich.

Love games

Of course, "brides" portray "love" in front of their chosen one. But when the “bride” becomes “wife” and gains confidence, the man will be surprised: her behavior can change dramatically.

Valentina lived in the Siberian part of Russia, dreamed of a warm sea and was looking for a husband in the south of Europe. Found a man twice her age. After the wedding, she … began to deny her husband intimacy, and when he decided to insist on his own, she called the police. So they live, without sexual relations: she got what she wanted, and he brags to his acquaintances with a beautiful young wife.

Love games

“Brides” have a clear goal: to marry a fairly wealthy foreigner (the level of desired welfare depends on the ambitions of the “bride”). And the plan for the implementation of the cherished one for all, with small variations.

The main way to meet is the Internet: dating sites and social networks. After all, traveling abroad for the purpose of acquaintance would require financial investments. "The bride" uploads photos on the Internet: the best and at the same time "decent", she is looking for a husband. Often in photographs she poses with flowers or a soft toy. "I'm good!" - as if such a page says. A couple of beautiful quotes are added here, the origin of which the "bride" may not have a clue of, but they complement the image of the "good girl."

Further, the search for gentlemen is carried out actively (the "bride" sends emoticons and text messages), passively (waits for people to write to her), passively-actively (leaves likes and comments to the man's posts and waits for him to send her a message). The "bride" carefully examines the page of a potential partner according to certain criteria: place of residence, level of well-being, marital status.

Olga, in her search, weeded out divorced men with children, because a fair share of the income of such a groom would go to his children.

Then a correspondence starts. The language barrier is rarely an obstacle: deep intellectual and heart contact is not needed by both parties, the man has a sexual interest, the woman warms him up. Conversations are about love and passion, a large vocabulary is not required for this, even emoticons and stickers may be enough. A man inflamed with passion invites the "bride" to visit, at his expense, of course. Some "brides", sorting out the suitors, thus managed to see more than one country.

And then any weapon is used, just to "hook" the man and keep him. Including a possible child. There are special forums on the Internet where “brides” share advice with each other: how to get pregnant faster from the right partner. Even the following method is actively discussed: after interrupted sexual intercourse, retire in the bathroom, collect semen in a pre-prepared syringe and insert it into your vagina. From a scientific point of view, this is nonsense: special conditions are needed to maintain the viability of spermatozoa, and, introduced into a woman's body in this way, they are no longer capable of fertilization.

Among the tips you can find both the techniques of "deep blowjob" and "erotic massage", and … "love spell" of a man "and" rival's lapel ".

When the balance is out of balance

Is the meeting the first and the last? The “Bride” immediately switches to another object. If meetings become regular, but the “bride” does not achieve the goal of marriage, she begins to manipulate guilt: “I love you, and you leave me,” “I spent my best years on you,” etc. And often as compensation receives a large sum of money or an expensive gift.

But if the “bride” has achieved her goal and became a “wife”, does she get what she really wanted? A marriage of convenience, without love - use, initially "curve" situation with an imbalanced balance. Having received what they want, after a short period of euphoria, such women begin to suffer from depression, addictions, suicidal thoughts, from the loss of the meaning of life. They may develop psychosomatic diseases, a tendency to risky behavior, connections on the side.

It is always difficult to live side by side with another person, and if this person is also not loved it is practically impossible: every little thing annoys. And of course, in such a marriage, children suffer: they, like a lightning rod, take on stress. Everything has a price, whether you want it or not.

EXPERT OPINION

Illusion Trap

Let's not mix business and love. Marrying a rich man (or marrying a rich woman) to satisfy your material needs is not a new strategy. But the need for close relationships, for love - was and always will be one of the leading human needs. However, not everyone succeeds in a happy relationship and not immediately. And if the chosen one is also from another country (or other nationality), then the main difficulty is that you will have to face the deep culture of your partner, accept his attitudes and rules regarding the role of women in the family and adapt to them. And that can be difficult. And one more trap is the illusion that foreigners a priori treat women with great respect. This is not true. How other people treat you (and your husband too!) Depends primarily on your self-esteem, onwhat you accept and allow and what you don't. And what are you ready for for the sake of the relationship.

Irina UDALTSOVA,

individual and family psychotherapist