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Video: Praise. Workshop - Image
We stand firmly on our feet when we know how to treat ourselves with warmth, compassion and support. This cannot be achieved without the skill of praising yourself for all sorts of things: big and small, useful and pleasant, important and trivial. It would seem that the task is simple - it is enough to call yourself a fine fellow, but for some reason many give in to her. "Internal Stanislavsky" says: "I do not believe!" - in response to attempts to say something approving about myself.
We invite you to start building the foundation for a benevolent and approving attitude towards yourself. We will attack the obstacles that hinder praise from three sides: analyzing and debugging the rating scale, taking power from the Inner Critic and lowering the bar for the Inner Perfectionist.
What you need:
pencil, small notebook, paper for notes, free time to think.
1. Setting the rating scale
For people who find it difficult to praise themselves, sometimes their "sight" is greatly lost. They are upset because of minor losses (they forgot to buy bread), but they cannot really rejoice at serious victories (after defending their candidate for half a year, they went over all their reservations in memory and felt a burning shame). Similarly, the “sight” of the external assessment can be knocked down. Someone else's praise burns out at the moment of contact with your ears, and outside criticism leaves holes in your soul. It is very important to correctly set up your own rating scale so that minor troubles and victories "cost" only a couple of points, and serious ones much more.
Put a small notebook and pencil in your pocket to keep them close at hand. Imagine that the score for each of your actions, feelings, or thoughts can be placed on a serif scale. You can create your own rating (for example, "so-so", "okay", "well done" and "hero") or use a range of numbers from 0 to 10, where 0 is "totally unhappy" and 10 is "well done - cucumber, proud of himself. " Between 0 and 10 there are different grades of approval, including 5 - "neutral, indifferent." Draw a chart with three columns - "act," "my habitual assessment," "fair assessment." Every time you feel that an internal assessment has been given in response to some action, record it in the table. Note what event happened, rating,which you automatically set yourself and which you would have to set with a benevolent and fair attitude towards yourself.
It may turn out that going to the store, when you are very tired and dreaming of a bathroom, is habitually considered an "average" achievement, but for you it would be fair to call it a "feat." "Average" and "feat" are completely different things: in the first case, your fatigue is unjustly ignored, and in the second there is a serious reason for pride.
If this type of scale does not work out for you, try a different approach to analyzing your assessment process. Ask yourself: how much do different deeds, actions and victories “cost” in your inner space? Does the minimum and maximum praise differ in weight, or do you just tick the to-do list and move on? Maybe it doesn't matter to you yet how much time and effort you spent on some accomplishment - it will still be marked as “done”, and you will not allow yourself any celebration, or rejoicing, or praise? This is a very serious question, and the sooner you research it, the better.
2. Dealing with self-criticism
Often we cannot praise ourselves because we are used to criticizing. We consider the accomplishment to be trifling and ignore how much effort was invested in it. We declare the blue diploma "invalid", the second place in the competition - the "penultimate", and the certificate of completion of the courses - a candy wrapper compared to the Harvard diploma. The Inner Critic is a powerful figure who fosters self-doubt and an inability to reasonably assess one's achievements. It is important to discover and describe it in order to understand how absurd and inadequate this figure is. It should not be confused with the Quality Controller, who cares that your results match the effort invested. Each person has different characters, and it is better to be familiar with each of them. The Inner Critic is one of them, the most unpleasant person if you look closely.
Take a piece of paper and write down the most common words and phrases that make up your Inner Critic's vocabulary. Reread them and try to figure out who they belong to. Whose intonations do you hear in this character's voice? Who called you that (called you names)? Who owns these ratings? In what situation did you receive them?
As you examine the image of the Inner Critic, you may find that it is made up of various unpleasant memories from childhood. Adults scolded you for clumsiness, slowness, daydreaming and other not so terrible manifestations. By looking at the past, you will be able to understand that Mom's discontent was not related to you, but to her inability to manage time. The teacher who regularly poured a tub of critical epithets on your head was lonely and unbalanced. People who matter to you as a child continue to influence your life through the criticism you give yourself. By looking at the Inner Critic, you deprive him of his power. If you want, give him a name so that you can address him in those moments when he tries to deprive you of the joy of victory. For example, “Brunhilda Adolfovna, why are you naughty? Go back to schoolto seventh grade! You have business there, not here!"
If you feel the need to grieve for that child who has received so little praise and so often criticized, do not deny yourself (and him). These feelings were locked inside for a long time. By freeing them, you will feel relief and can turn to your child with words of support and approval. You can even write him a letter and assure that everything will work out for him.
3. Weakening perfectionism
Striving for excellence is a personality trait that is not so easy to fight against. At times it is very useful to us and leads to great results. The best is not always the enemy of the good. We would like to meet perfectionists everywhere: doctors, teachers, drivers. In other words, being the person who wants to get the most out of their job isn't so bad. The only question is the price. If the quality bar that you set for yourself requires too much investment, you do not have enough energy, time and nerves, it is beyond your means.
Remember three, or better five situations in your life in which you were delighted with yourself. In which, thanks to your skills, knowledge and skills, your resourcefulness, perseverance and courage, you have succeeded in something that you could not do before. Describe such cases in detail on paper. If you think that this has not happened in your life, give yourself time and try to remember. Every person has such moments. When you remember and describe these situations, think: what do they have in common, how do they stand out?
The perfectionist is driving himself to unattainable perfection by force, and now you have your own beacons. They are part of your real history and can serve as a more adequate yardstick than some “alien” ideal. Comparing yourself to yourself is much more productive than chasing other people's records, living someone else's scenario. Using your own beacons, you can watch how your living history builds, how you grow and develop. And of course, you can praise yourself.