Should You Rejoice At Obstacles? - Self-development

How can we enrich and improve our lives by overcoming uncomfortable circumstances? Psychologist Ilya Shabshin, a leading specialist at the psychological center on Volkhonka, proposes a plan for moving from avoiding problems to conscious actions.

Down with discomfort

None of us wants to suffer, lose important, overcome difficulties. We strive for a comfortable life and get upset when faced with problems, troubles. The first thing that comes to mind is to get rid of discomfort, eliminate the "annoying factor" in one way or another. Depending on what is “wrong”, we resort to different methods: we drink, we gorge ourselves, we complain, we get angry, we watch a TV series, we read a book, we go to bed. But you never know what else? The goal is one - to eliminate unpleasant, uncomfortable sensations or experiences, to escape from them.

However, striving with all our might to avoid difficulties, to rid oneself of discomfort as soon as possible, to return a feeling of well-being, and most importantly, to perceive problems and difficulties in an unambiguously negative way is not the best approach.

Remember: did you have a difficult, maybe even dramatic period in your life, thanks to which (or, more precisely, thanks to what you did then) your life became better, you yourself changed? Would you agree to avoid it, not to have this experience, if it was your will?

A treasure trove of negative experiences

Unpleasant and sometimes tragic events can give us many valuable acquisitions, turn out to be a "supplier" of important understandings, to which there may not be other ways, and become a catalyst for positive changes. What steps need to be taken that will help you stay winning even in difficult situations?

Step 1: Learn more about yourself

It all starts with self-knowledge. It is impossible to understand "who I am" if you just sit in the pose of the Rodin thinker and think. But through comprehension of the real experience of facing life difficulties and attempts to overcome, we come to know ourselves. We see our individual personality traits, vulnerabilities, character traits, unresolved psychological problems.

Step 2: Reveal Irrational Beliefs

Our worries about a difficult situation are caused not only by her objective discomfort (leg hurts, wallet stolen, boss shouted, wife was offended), but also by our attitude towards her - protest, rejection, indignation, resentment. If we reflect on the origin of our emotions, we can discover a set of principles, expectations, axioms, safely hidden in the subconscious. So it becomes possible to look at them critically and correct.

Step 3: Detect Broken Behavior Patterns

It is not necessary to be an adherent of the behavioral (behavioral) approach in order to agree that, ultimately, our problems are not solved due to the fact that we are acting incorrectly: we do not know how to seek agreement in dialogue, express our emotions in a non-conflict way, by the wrong trying to get attention in ways. Our failures, especially our repeated ones, show that some of the things we do don't work. When we look at problems from this point of view, we can revise behavioral patterns - on our own or with the help of a psychologist.

Step 4: Think about the "rules" of life

Not the most pleasant and funny experiences sometimes point us to the need to realize some basic life facts. For example, that I cannot control everything, but changes in life are inevitable, etc. That is, through pain and suffering, we comprehend (feel and cognize) the philosophy of life and the very art of living. As you move from difficulty avoidance to mindfulness, at some point you will realize that you are quite ready to act and overcome obstacles that have suddenly turned into a helpful practice.

Mindfulness Bonus

Faced with losses, significant problems, we get another great bonus: the knowledge that any obstacle (failure, refusal, pain, frustration) can bring us a lot of valuable, important and useful. This understanding significantly reduces fear and helps to feel more freedom, to acquire determination.