Say Goodbye And Forgive - Society

The elderly woman understood that these were her last months. Age and incurable disease did not give up hope. She calmly put things in order in her thoughts and feelings, in what she experienced and felt over a long life. Everything found its place: war and estranged children, hard work and unfulfilled dreams. She felt almost happy looking back at her life. The only thought dug a prickly hoop into the heart, haunted - the memory of the homeless woman who, in the distant war years, invaded her family and caused her disintegration. "I understand. I accept everything. But her, vile, I will not forgive and will not forget! " - she left with irreconcilability in her thoughts and heart. She left without forgiving and without saying goodbye.

Probably, every person has had situations that continue to agitate the soul even many years later. The experience of unfair grievances, betrayal or long-term psychological pressure - all of this literally “builds in” into the memory of the body and poisons new meetings and relationships for us. Everyone knows that the best way out is to forgive and let go. But it is not always possible to do this. Resentment, pain experienced are stronger than good intentions.

Counseling psychologists are often inclined to explain everything that happens "mental trauma of childhood." If personal life does not work out, my mother did not love enough. If they do not appreciate and respect at work, the parents have undermined their faith in themselves. The reason for perfectionism is in a strict and demanding grandmother, who did not give her grandchildren a descent. The list of such "childhood traumas" can be continued endlessly - such situations are as diverse as life itself. Therefore, for illustration, there is a situation where everyone was “to blame” at once - mom, dad, stepmother, and other people from childhood. Using this situation as an example, an attempt to find an algorithm for forgiving one's parents, relatives and other offenders.

The first story: how to forgive mom

The beginning of this story is ordinary - dad, mom, two daughters. Its joys and difficulties - everything is like everyone else's. The situation got out of the ordinary when my mother unexpectedly passed away.

It was a hard blow for everyone. For a younger sister who was sent to an orphanage. For the eldest daughter who ended up in a boarding school. The main psychological blow fell on her - it was this girl who found her mother in a noose when she returned home after school. It was she who tried to save her mother, but could not. It was a shock for dad, who began to drink so much that his daughters were afraid to approach him. Relatives who shook their heads and felt sorry for the girls were “poor orphans”.

Over time, life stabilized somewhat - the father got married, the children returned to the family to a new mother. However, the relationship between them and his father's wife remained strained. Girls have always been "not so" according to the strict assessment of the new mother. And dad was still scary when he was drunk. And he drank quite often.

As the sisters grew up, their childhood memories coalesced into a hard ball of pain. Resentment against your stepmother - why agree to raise other people's children if you cannot love them or at least accept them. Resentment at his father - his drunken brawls undermined the trust in all men (the sisters were never able to create their own families). Annoyance at relatives - what was the point of their sympathy if the girls found shelter in government institutions, and not in warm family houses? But the most painful offense is against my mother. Why did she leave so selfishly, without thinking about her daughters, leaving them to their fate?

How to untangle a ball

The easiest way was to forgive relatives. They were not at all evil people and sincerely sympathized with the girls. Exactly as much as they had the strength. Enough to "regret", but not to "participate". What is the point of being offended by weak people? Moreover, as adults, the sisters themselves helped elderly relatives. Realistically, and not verbally, they felt the price of empty pity on themselves.

The stepmother was also forgiven. In her declining years, she became seriously ill, and the sisters took turns caring for her. Without love and deep affection, just out of a sense of duty. This strange life bond with an almost alien woman taught them patience, compassion and generosity.

It was her spiritual generosity that helped the sisters eventually forgive their father. Drunkenness was a manifestation of his weakness, transcendental despair and loss. This experience taught the sisters to recognize a cry for help in any manifestation of male aggression, it was no longer frightening. But the addiction to alcohol remained that “frontier”, which the men who claimed to be partners could not cross. The sisters preferred to share everyday life with each other than to let someone else's drunken inadequacy into their lives again.

The hardest thing was to forgive my mother. Instead of love, resentment lived in the hearts of the daughters. The mother's departure, terrible and incomprehensible, was perceived as a betrayal. This pain had to be cried, suffered, experienced. And then the understanding came - they saved their mother by the fact that they themselves survived, coped. They endured something so terrible that their mother could not bear. She didn't leave because she didn't have love for her children. She lacked acceptance of herself and life itself, trust and inner strength. A broken person evokes compassion, not resentment.

They forgave their mother when they not only understood, felt with all their hearts the depth of her experiences. Such a tragic departure did not solve much for herself - escape is never a solution to the problem. But this was already someone else's story, someone else's life, someone else's choice. Mom taught her daughters not to run away from trials, but to patiently cope with them.

Instead of a summary of this story, there are several important findings.

Learning to forgive

First conclusion

People do not give pain because they take pleasure in someone else's torment. They just don't know how to do otherwise. Finding an alternative way to deal with the painful situation is the fastest way to disenchant the traumatic incident.

Second conclusion

Resentment is most often a consequence of the inconsistency of people's behavior with our ideas about "proper and proper". Of course, you can nurture resentment by trying to “pack” others into our expectations over and over again. Perhaps it will be more effective to change your own ideas. We may disagree with other people's choices and actions. But we will stop resenting them.

Conclusion three

The offender does not need forgiveness; the offended one needs it. This is the release of a colossal amount of forces that sustain the resentment. It is irrational to spend vital energy on the smoldering ashes of events from the past - and this does not give warmth of the soul, and distracts from new opportunities.

The second story: about the inability to say goodbye

Gaining prospects requires another skill - the ability to say goodbye.

She had a dream. Of course, about great and bright love. She tried to realize her with those men who appeared in her living space. The partners, of course, had their own hopes for a great feeling. Therefore, instead of love, sooner or later it turned out to be almost a battle - whose dream is more correct and therefore deserves embodiment. Both did not want to give up their desires. And if someone first decided to say goodbye to a partner who “did not play by the rules”, the second, naturally, suffered.

The parting turned out to be double - both with a dream and with a person. Periodic goodbyes to parents and friends, relatives and colleagues also brought pain. Because besides love, I dreamed of a cozy home filled with smiles of loved ones. As once in childhood - loving mom-dad, smiling grandfather-grandmother, laughing brothers-sisters, friendly friends-neighbors.

Learning to say goodbye

We continue this endless story with a series of our meetings and farewells. We are so passionate about the search for a new romance, so preoccupied with the fear of parting, that we forget that love is not an indispensable attribute of neither meeting nor goodbye. Love - it just is. If a person was able to open his heart, to hear in his depth a great feeling, each new meeting will simply help him again to enjoy the sound of love. Each goodbye is just an ability to shift the focus of attention. Those whom we sincerely love are forever “registered” in our hearts.

Instead of a conclusion

The story of an elderly woman who left without forgiving or saying goodbye is very sad. The woman lacked the wisdom to understand that it was not her rival who robbed her of her family. Her love was not strong enough to forgive those who hurt her. Because sincere forgiveness is available only to generous and loving people. And parting always brings a new meeting. If not with new people, then certainly - with a renewed self. The more illusions and delusions we let go, the more interesting and fulfilling our life will be.