"New" Children And "new" Parents - Society

Is there life after divorce? This question should be answered in the affirmative. Moreover, over 50% of divorces lead to the creation of new families. This means that such significant figures as Stepfather or Stepmother appear in the lives of children from a previous marriage.

Even when you just write these words, it is filled with a whirlwind of negative associations from fairy tales of all times and peoples. Whether we like it or not, the child will have a contradictory attitude towards the “substitute” father or mother. How can new family members avoid pitfalls? Let's try to figure it out.

When the boss goes on vacation, his duties are temporarily performed by a deputy. Likewise, in the case of an absent parent: his functions are taken over by the Stepfather or Stepmother - adjusted for the timing and nuances inherent in family, and not business relationships. The main task of a new relative is to understand their purpose and the degree of responsibility.

Why does a child need parents

Usually we become parents, not really thinking about what we will be for our own children, especially for adopted ones. And so everything is clear: to feed, dress, raise and educate, as our fathers and mothers did. In Russia they also say - "raise children." This word includes all of the above, but has an additional semantic load - "hard", "from the last bit of strength." So the history of wars is catching up generation after generation, including the program not of life, but of "survival". This obscures us the joy and ease of communication with the child, brings a feeling of "cross", burden, load. If we ignore the "peculiarities of national education", then the universal human functions of parents are as follows:

• Mother is a source of physical and mental nourishment. This is a person whose emotional health largely depends on the quality of his embrace. This is care and attention, a feeling of home, a nest. Mom is a guide to the world of harmony and beauty. From it begins the formation of a person's emotional intelligence, the structure that further ensures the effectiveness of interaction with other people.
• The father is the one who creates the material foundations of the family's existence. For children, it is a source of knowledge about the rules and laws of society, how to assert itself in this world, where the boundaries of what is permitted and what are the cause-and-effect relationships between human actions and their results.

And all these functions are implemented in the process of daily interaction between children and parents. When mom listens to and comforts an upset son, prepares dinner with all family members in mind, or when picks up clothes for the child (or dad) to go to the theater. When dad explains to his son how to behave in a conflict, or tells why he loves his job, or when he simply helps a woman to lower the stroller down the ramp.

Children "ours" and "strangers"

The same is to be done for those who, having created a new family, become a stepfather or stepmother. And suddenly it turns out that it was easier, simpler and more understandable with my children. Here are the obstacles that may be in the way:

• Conscious or unconscious competition with the parent being replaced. The desire to confirm to his second half the correctness of his choice, to prove that he (she) is even a better parent to a child than his own father or mother. Depending on the character traits, two polar scenarios of behavior with a child can be formed: soft (a lot of connivance - "poor child, how they tortured you!") And hard (many rules and requirements - "spoiled you!").
• It is a conscientious misconception that it is possible to really take the place of a “remote” parent after a divorce (especially if he is not active). The setting "now I am your father (mother)!"
• De jure, you are a stepfather or stepmother, but de facto, you have no desire to participate in children, because feelings dominated at marriage. Children were a poorly conscious attachment to a future partner. This is the case when the expression “if a man loves a woman, then he will love her children as well” becomes a reflection of some myth.

Simultaneously with how a stepmother or stepfather builds relationships with the "new children", blood relatives pass their own test: "Can I trust the upbringing of a child?" and “how to divide functions between a stepfather (stepmother) and a visiting parent?”. This is a difficult period in the life of a family whose adult members were burned in a previous marriage. Both mothers and fathers can be very careful at first to ensure that their children are not "bullied." They slightly remove the partner from upbringing ("still not native!"), Interfering with laying the foundation of relations with the child.

My stepfather's story at a family psychologist's appointment reads as follows: “My wife was very afraid that I would offend her children. She only welcomed positive actions on my part: gifts, trips to the park, to attractions. And with any fair criticism, she pushed me away, saying that she would figure it out herself, that I did not understand anything. Now I don't want to get involved in the upbringing process at all. " Such situations can be associated with both female educational hyperresponsibility, adopted from mothers and grandmothers, and with childhood experience of life without a father.

Often the parent with whom the children stayed after the divorce would like the former partner to simply disappear from the horizon. Then the questions of the distribution of responsibilities for raising a child between the former and the current partner would not arise. A typical saying of a mother who survived a divorce: “it would be better if he didn’t appear at all, only the child would calm down, and then it’s a day off, from daddy he returns, as changed”.

This is also happening because extended families (with the participation of grandparents) are still characteristic of Russia, where the mother acts as a breadwinner, and the grandmother acts as a mother-nanny. Or grandfather takes the place of dad. At first, this may seem like a convenient model, where all the pitfalls and their own are well known. But then both the stepfather and the father have several competitors to whom the child is attached. They are often not allowed to fully communicate with children, which brings additional discomfort to the relationship.

While adults are building a new family …

• Children miss the "remote" parent and look forward to meeting him. Mothers say: “She rushes to the phone every time she calls, she keeps asking about my father. It is uncomfortable in front of my husband, he is offended, he tries so hard. " The solution may be to clearly define the schedule of meetings between the child and the dad and calmly remind him of this schedule, the possibility of additional communication by phone or Skype.
• The heirs continue to nurture the idea of parent reunification and even "weave intrigues" in this direction. Many couples talk about how children stubbornly insist on kissing mom and dad when they meet, even when new spouses are present. The solution is the correct explanation: “our relationship has changed, there is no place for kissing, but you can definitely count on two!”
• Children test, sometimes very harshly, "new parents": from whims and disobedience to open statements "you are not my father (not my mother)!" Most often, a stepfather or stepmother may encounter this when they introduce their own rules. If these innovations are agreed between the spouses, then with their consistent implementation, the children will be able to accept them.
• The guys get sick, get depressed, study worse. This is one of the most common ways to get back what is lost. The child has the illusion that if something bad happens to him, dad (mom) will immediately come running. One solution is to heal, expressing sincere regret that you will have to miss your meeting with your father. The patient must not go out and cannot accept it at home, because you can infect.

Most successfully overcome this period are those parents whose life baggage includes a “civilized” divorce with a clear distribution of areas of responsibility with the ex-spouse in relation to children and the experience of an effective way out of the personal trauma of separation.

Eight rules for creating a trusting atmosphere in a new family:

1. Talk to your partner about your concerns. Don't be afraid to voice your fears - talking openly can help you overcome them. Write down lists of your concerns.
2. Reproaches (“I was hoping that you…”) and comparisons (“and my ex was more affectionate with children”) are a lethal weapon for relationships. Everything that a partner does for your child, he does out of love for you. Appreciate this and return with a smile to his fun game with children, gratitude for introducing his son to male affairs (fishing, fixing furniture, etc.) and any other movement he makes towards closer relations with children.
3. The task of parents and their deputies is not to "raise" children, but to live with them, helping them to become adults. There is a lot of drama and sacrifice in the word “to raise” (“we work without seeing the white light, just so that you have everything”). This burdens the children with the same heavy duty to you (you may later hear: “did we ask you about this?”).
4. Maintain, as much as possible, diplomatic relations with ex-spouses, consistently including them in the lives of children. Voice your position to a new partner, this will give him certainty and relieve him of unnecessary responsibility - to bring up the child "for yourself and for that guy." Jealousy is possible here, but it is better to immediately establish the rules.
5. The key position of a stepfather or stepmother: “I cannot and do not want to replace your own dad (mom). I am ready to offer you a good attitude, understanding that it is difficult for you now, my help, but also my own rules. They may differ from those to which you are accustomed, with time we will cope. " This is a position of cooperation and understanding, it is very important for the acceptance of each other - an adult and a child. It can be an internal setting, but it can also be voiced to a child.
6. The key position of the father or mother: "I trust my choice and can share the upbringing of children with my new partner, we can discuss all the disagreements that arise."
7. The key position of the deputy, who was not very ready for the children: "I love their mother (father) too much, for this I am ready to win their trust." It is important to realize that children are already there, to “see” them and to meet halfway, understanding how valuable this movement is for their mother (father).
8. Patience. Sequence. Calmness. It is not fast results that are important, but consistently good results, and this takes time.

Despite all the difficulties, the stage of creating a new family is very positive, like any creation. The rules only shorten the path to its successful completion.