Table of contents:
- GENDER DIFFERENCES
- TO MOTHER "ON BORSCH"
- TERROR IN LOVE
- LEAVING GO…
- LEFT TO WORK, BUT IT WAS FOREVER
- INSTEAD OF CONCLUSION
Video: I'm Going To My Mom! - Relations
Expression "I'll go to my mother!" has become over the years a code understandable to any person in our country. This is not good-natured informing about plans, this is a loud statement that there are problems in the relationship, and you want to escape from these problems. Do you really want to, or for show is an open question. The same as the question "Will it leave or not?" Let's talk about “cares” - good and different!
The phrase "I'll go to my mother!" usually associated with female utterances. It is difficult for a man to talk about such a clear direction, since even in his own eyes he becomes "a son hiding behind a wide skirt." Therefore, there are male analogues of this phrase: “If something doesn’t suit you, we can get a divorce”, “Then I leave you”. When asked "Where?" a man can say: "I'll stay with my parents for now." That is, in general, from the phrase "I'll go to my mother" you can only push off, falling into a stormy sea of formulations associated with parting and divorce. They can be formulated as you like - the message is important: escape from the relationship, preferably to "safe" territory.
TO MOTHER "ON BORSCH"
“My brother will soon 40, however, as soon as there is tension in his relationship with his wife, he strives to come to his mother“for borscht”. Married at 26, and all these years such a dance. And it seems to me that mom doesn't mind …"
Adult daughters and sons visit parents from time to time without their relationship partner. Sometimes this happens during a period of conflict in a couple. Nobody threatens to "leave forever", but leaves like that, for a short while. There is nothing wrong with this fact. Such visits can serve as a means to help relieve tension in a couple's relationship.
Parents' home can be a "place of balance" where you feel better, calmer. This happens if the parent-child relationship has a special quality. For example, this 40-year-old boy may not talk about his problems with his wife. On the contrary, eating borscht, he will say that everything is fine, that there are plans. He just might need a time out to recuperate. Why should mom be against this situation? If we are talking about resource relations, then the wife will be “for”. She understands that after a visit to her mother everything is going well.
Visits to parents during periods of family tension should be assessed by the result: has the couple made progress in resolving the conflict? If so, consider these visits as part of the overall process. However, it also happens that the partner returns from the mother (or other relatives) "pumped up". Then the result is attacks, misunderstandings and increased aggressiveness. If this happens over and over again, then the partner forms a firm opinion that trips to my mother "to borscht and talk" will not lead to anything good.
What to do?
It is necessary, discarding the negative, to try to pay attention to the result after visiting the parents. If he helps the family - do not interfere, you run the risk of knocking out the necessary "brick".
TERROR IN LOVE
During my practice, women who were dissatisfied with family relationships have come to me more than once. I am always wondering if a woman has already threatened to leave, parting or divorce. In the overwhelming majority of cases, it turns out that yes. To the question "Did you really want to leave?" the answer follows: "Of course not!" The natural question "And then why did they say that?" confuses clients. Women understand that this is not necessary, but they do it anyway. And not only women, but also men.
The fact is that in this case we are talking about an attempt to influence. Strictly speaking - manipulation. Manipulation is a psychological influence using the emotions (feelings) of a partner in order to obtain benefits. What can separation threats be used for? For anything! From “If you don’t wash the dishes, then I…” to “We will go on vacation to the sea, I want to, and if not, then…”. All this is rather crude and straightforward. It costs nothing to see the manipulation behind it: "Do as I command, otherwise …".
The psychological effect is a blow to love through guilt. Do you remember when your parents used to say, “If you don’t behave well, I’ll leave”? Sometimes it was reported where exactly, and sometimes it was only assumed that the place would be distant and inaccessible to the "bad" child. If you look deeper, you can hear in these words: “I do not love you the way you are. I will leave you if you are not the way I want you to be. " The parents manipulated the child's attachment, his deepest fear - to be abandoned, unnecessary, unloved. This fear is so ingrained that it is not difficult to find it. So grown up boys and girls beat him, knowing how painful it is. Hoping that they can manage their partner through relationship fear.
But what an unpleasant surprise awaits experienced manipulators after a while! The first time “I’ll go to my mother” or “otherwise divorce” is taken seriously - a topic for conversation arises, compromises are found. If it was manipulation - bingo! - the person understands where the button is located, which allows not only to launch the desired behavior, but also to feel loved. If sacrifices are made for you, then you are needed. Striking the fear of losing love, the provocateur receives confirmation of his valuable status - "you are loved." After that, the temptation to repeat the trick appears over and over again.
But the more often such manipulations occur, the more the partner adapts to them. No, of course, he (she) suffers first. Asks questions about love and value. Suffering, trying to improve and get the maximum number of "likes" in his post "You are needed and loved." But if the manipulator does not know the measure, then one of the mechanisms of mental defense is gradually activated - devaluation. And in response to the next "go away, I will part" you can hear: "Okay, I'm pretty tired of this." That's where the pattern breaks! A manipulator who wants another confirmation of love and value, instead gets the opposite. At this point, partners can change places, and possibly part.
What to do?
Never threaten with something that you are not going to do. If you do, prepare to accept responsibility for this behavior. You can talk about parting only when you almost (or completely) made this decision.
There is a popular saying on the Internet: “People say“I love you”in different ways:“fasten your seat belt,”“put on your hat,”“I'll wash the dishes,”“if you get there, call me,”“take my jacket,”and many others.” Brilliant. However, “I don’t like our relationship,” people also say in different ways: “you don’t take care of the suit that I bought”, “you forgot that I don’t eat it”, “these are your problems”, “why did we get married at all” and even "I'll go to my mother."
Whether scandals, ignorance, betrayal or consumerism lead to parting - we will not discuss now. It is important that the phrase “Let's go our separate ways” or “I'm leaving” can be heard for the first time when the decision to break up has already been made. Luck is when the partner (sha) says this phrase in a state of "almost". Then this is the last opportunity to tell a person that everything is so bad in a relationship that it is simply unbearable. They say this with the hope of a last conversation, which can become the starting point for a new life. This is a conversation about expectations. About discontent, dreams, desires, resentments - about everything that has accumulated. Maybe this has been discussed before, but it was not taken seriously. In this case, “I can leave” is not a manipulation, but an indicator of the seriousness of the situation. If the partners cannot agree, the separation will become a reality.
What to do?
If you hear “I’m leaving,” “Let's break up,” especially for the first time, assume that it’s dictated by a feeling of intolerable relationship. If they are important to you, take a step forward. Many couples, going through such crises, stay together and strengthen mutual understanding.
LEFT TO WORK, BUT IT WAS FOREVER
A story from the Internet: “My husband went to work and said that he would stay for two days. I called to work, it turns out he did not appear there. A variety of fears from “hit by a car” to “a mistress”. Everything turned out to be easier - the husband was found with his mother. He said that he wanted to live separately from me and our one-year-old child, he was tired of the relationship and the cry of the baby. I'm in shock, honestly."
When they leave like this, unexpectedly, to a warm mother's harbor, from responsibility and trouble, this is called infantilism. Unfortunately, not all married people are adults. Some remained teenagers. The main motivation for creating a family (it can be hidden behind falling in love) is to prove to the parents: "I grew up, I am an adult." Early marriage can be a sign of this motivation. The imminent birth of a child serves to move the person to one more level: "I am the parent of my child, which means I am definitely not small." But since family life requires a lot of responsibility and self-restraint, then the infantile soon becomes bored, there is a feeling of "not pulling". Since the sense of responsibility is undeveloped, flight occurs. It is now easier with parents - the status of an adult has already been obtained. They will cheat and accept a dear child.
Predicting such situations is not easy, especially at a young age. And the role of parents is to support the new status in their child. I know the story where the young husband packed his things and appeared on the threshold of the mother's house. As he appeared, he was thrown out the door. The wife did not even have time to notice, she found out about this episode only at the silver wedding. And the young spouses want to say: he called himself a load - climb into the back. Be responsible, grow up, do not commit meanness.
INSTEAD OF CONCLUSION
Departures for mom and just cares can be different. Sometimes it is rest and recuperation that will be applied in marriage. Sometimes - a rather gross manipulation and play on feelings of guilt, love and affection. In other cases, it is almost a made decision, speaking about which a person tries to be heard for the last time. Be attentive, think: what does the person want to say to his “I'm leaving”?