The Right To Treason - Blogs

"Betrayal" - what a powerful word! How it resonates in hearts and calls for just revenge! The person who pronounces it has already fully justified himself and defined himself as a victim of an "insidious traitor." And his partner - as a base man, deceiving, devoid of any ethical qualities. Is it really that simple?

REHABILITATION OF YOURSELF

Betrayal is associated with the collapse of hopes. Therefore, undermining trust is so painful. If a person counted on relying on a partner in the future, made plans, and he dared to let him down, then the “victim” has a whole complex of feelings associated with rejection: resentment, jealousy, envy … And accusation of betraying another becomes a way to rehabilitate oneself.

More often than not, such a big word hides a choice associated with a conflict of interest. And this choice does not suit the accuser. It is curious to answer the question: “What to do - betray your interests or the interests of a partner? How not to betray yourself, without betraying others?"

To be honest with yourself, the answer to this question may not be very pleasant - it is impossible to live a life and not betray anyone. Betray either yourself or another. In a relationship, it is important to find a balance between your partner's interests and your own. You have to make a choice yourself and / or seek a compromise. And once you choose your interests, you will be immediately accused of betraying a loved one.

No wonder - betrayal is associated with intimacy. Moreover, it cannot exist without closeness, or at least without its illusion. You cannot betray the distant. When we talk about betrayal, we believe that the person has already made a commitment to us. Often, the partner does not even realize that he took such obligations, in such a volume and on such conditions. But even if this is so, it must be borne in mind that conditions, as you know, change. Both you and your partner become different. The relationship between you also cannot remain unbreakable, static, which means that the previous agreements should automatically change.

ILLUSION DEVELOPMENT TRAJECTORY

When you find that you and your partner have different interests, then you can hardly call it a partnership at all, if only a collapsed, former. The partners have a priori common goals and values. Why have your goals and values become so distant from each other? There are two possibilities. First, they were originally different, just under the influence of a hormonal storm, each of you fantasized about each other, God knows what. Both of you or one of you were in an altered state of consciousness. Another option: you experienced the illusion that one of you might change, or that in the end everything by itself will “endure and fall in love”.

If the development trajectories of partners do not coincide, then disagreements will grow between them, they become strangers, they have different interests. And the question remains: who betrayed whom? The one who developed, or the one who remained the same? If the trajectory of development of one is falling into television, alcohol or drug addiction, and the other is becoming a career, taking care of children, then here it certainly cannot be called a traitor of the one who initiated the breakup. Most likely, the traitor will be one who has degraded or stopped in its development.

THE RIGHT TO NOT LOVE

Free choice is impossible without betrayal of the relationship. We once chose a relationship freely, which means that at that time we definitely had the right to choose. Moreover, the beginning of this relationship did not at all deprive us of the opportunity to make a different choice in the future. And this must be admitted. A person always has the right to choose while he is alive. It is repeated.

None of us can love if he has no right to "not love." Once you deprive your partner of freedom, your relationship becomes an addiction that has nothing to do with love. Everyone has the right to freedom of choice, and hence to potential betrayal.

By calling our partner a "traitor," we are actually denying him the right to "not love," or indeed to have feelings of his own. And a person a priori cannot live without feelings. A living person differs from a dead person precisely in that he changes. Only the dead are incapable of betraying.

Did you cheat on me?

In personal relationships, the truth is different from the facts and depends on the desire to maintain the relationship.

Gestalt therapist Elena Kaliteevskaya agrees: “A typical situation - a wife asks her husband:“Have you cheated on me?” And he answers her: "No." This is true regardless of the facts. The truth is that this man at the moment wants to maintain a relationship with this woman and save her from unnecessary pain. This is more true than a detailed story of how it all happened. And if the answer is “Yes, I did,” but in fact was correct, then the truth is that he is so angry that he is ready to take the risk of ruining the relationship. It is important to understand what kind of regulatory mechanism a person uses to establish relationships."

DO NOT "BETRAY" THOSE WHO DOESN'T CHANGE

Those who do not change are absolutely incapable of betrayal. Or those who have only one single interest in life and are not faced with the problem of choice. Betrayal occurs when the need for choice arises and there is a competition of goals. It is at this moment that the question arises: whether to remain faithful to a relationship that has lost its relevance over time, while betraying one who has changed, or to betray another, remaining true to oneself?

The very phrase "betray or keep the relationship" seems to me incorrect. Parting is already a consequence of the loss of a relationship. Therefore, those who decide to “keep the relationship” only protect their appearance. Even if you are around, the relationship will never be the same. So why keep a stranger by your side, or even an enemy that you are tying to yourself? From these relationships exudes irritation, annoyance, hatred.

If a person decides to “keep” a relationship that no longer exists, then a lot of tension, doom and hopelessness arise in them. Behind the beautiful external facade lies cold, emptiness, and often hatred.

Negative feelings accumulate, and at some point a break occurs. And if a man who left his family is a "traitor", then a woman is Anna Karenina. Strong words require strong actions. But still, not so desperate as to throw themselves or throw them under the engine of life.

BEST REVENGE IS FORGIVING?

The traitor, of course, is infantile. But the "victim of betrayal" is also childish. Both parties are responsible for the phenomenon of betrayal. It is this position that minimizes the damage caused by the gap. If you don't feel like a victim, then you have the strength to change your life, and not waste energy on revenge.

Just revenge for betrayal starts a new cycle of injustice. Resentment of betrayal is revenge on oneself for disappointment, for an erroneous forecast in the behavior of the object of love.

If you do not throw such strong words as "betrayal", then the consequences of parting will not be so catastrophic. Why dramatize when you can live in a melodrama or an adventure movie?

FROM THE RESORT TO THE INTERNET

At the end of the beach season, sociologists of the popular women's portal conducted a survey of 1,500 readers, which showed that 56% of respondents had resort romances, and 26% had more than one. At the same time, more than a third of the survey participants (37%) do not consider having a permanent relationship an obstacle to starting a resort romance, and 15% could start a serious relationship on vacation with a more suitable candidate. After the vacation, every fifth respondent continued to communicate with the temporary chosen one by phone, and every fourth - via the Internet. According to statistics, only 19% of resort romances had a happy ending, and only 4% of them later led to the creation of a family. The main reasons for resort romances were the need to confirm their own attractiveness in the eyes of men (28%) and the desire to make their vacation unforgettable (21%).

Primary source of the survey: Lady Mail. Ru