Guilty Of My Love - Relations

Paradoxically, the best works of art that celebrate love, whether in literature or cinema, actually celebrate not love, but emotional dependence. After all, love, even unrequited love, is never unhappy, the plot has nowhere to come from. There may be painful experiences in it, but they are lived through and lead to development. And emotional dependence is always unhappy and painful, even if it is mutual. How can you tell them apart?

Love is a feeling that a mature person is capable of. An infantile personality is incapable of love, has not matured, she can experience strong feelings, but this is only a love addiction. Our body matures and then grows old, regardless of our desires and choices, but not everyone achieves psychological maturation: after all, growing up is a responsibility, and you don't always want to take it upon yourself. The modern "consumer society" encourages infantilism, cultivating an easy attitude towards life (Take it easy), lack of commitment and responsibility ("friendly sex"), developing an industry of all kinds of entertainment. The temptation to remain an "infantile", an eternal boy or an eternal girl is too great. But everything has a price, and infantilism is fraught with love addiction.

A very small child is capable of love, but this love is consumer love. He loves his mother because she takes care of him and without her he disappears. He perceives it as an object, not a subject: as a thing that can be used for his own convenience. These are the so-called "object relations". He does not see in her an equal person who can get tired and experience pain. He demands, not asks, and as a child he does it with every right. His picture of the world is egocentric: he is a planet, and his mother is an accompanying satellite. The child is immensely afraid of losing his mother, this contact for him is a matter of survival. There is a lot of strength, egoism, dependence, use in the primary feelings for the mother … If the child grows not only physically, but also psychologically and spiritually, his ability to love is rebuilt. It separates,psychologically separated from the mother. He becomes independent, learns gratitude and responsive care, sees living people in his parents. Then, by the age of 20, the matured personality forms a qualitatively different ability to love. And in his partnerships he will build relationships of love, not love addiction.

HOW DO THESE FEELINGS EXPLORE?

1. Borders

“Love knows no boundaries” is a myth. Addiction knows no boundaries, this is a childish relationship of symbiosis with a mother. And between adults there are always boundaries, as in an anecdote:

“The husband walks around the apartment, looking for something, the wife offers help, he refuses:

“I'm looking for my own.

- How can you say "yours"? Don't you love me? We are one family, we must have everything in common!

- Okay, honey. I'm looking for our pants."

Signs of emotional dependence: partners constantly say "we", make decisions for each other. On avatars they appear exclusively together, in social networks they have one profile for two, or they freely enter each other's profiles and perform actions on behalf of a partner. Deny each other in private life that is not related to themselves. They use each other's things without asking and even in violation of hygiene rules (somehow, in working with emotionally dependent relationships, I was faced with the fact that my husband did not see the difference, use his toothbrush or his wife's brush).

In a relationship of psychologically mature there is “we”, but the “I” is preserved.

2. Control

Emotional addiction is associated with attempts to control the object of addiction (they are always ineffectual, except if you put your partner on a chain). Behind this is the childish fear of being abandoned by the mother, the desire to possess her, to have her in her absolute power and complete control. Control gives the illusion of security. It manifests itself explicitly as attempts to dictate your will to your partner (“I don’t want you to communicate with this person”), and indirectly as a desire to know everything, everything, everything (checking the mobile, questions “Where are you? Who are you with?”) …

“Let go of the one you love” is a manifestation of love. In love there is respect for the freedom and will of another person, trust. It is not necessary to limit the partner's freedom - it is important to see how he uses it.

3. Self-sufficiency

“One person is enough for happiness - yourself. The second is needed to share your happiness,”says psychologist Irina Prikhodko. A mature person is self-sufficient, knows how to take care of himself independently. An infantile person does not know how to be alone, he is terribly afraid of loneliness, abandonment and uselessness. Mature - ready to face these feelings. Infantil does not know how to take care of himself: either about no one at all, or about others, but not about himself. Therefore, he needs a partner who will take care of him, symbolically replacing the parent figure. Even when an emotionally dependent person dreams of taking care of the object of addiction, “making him happy,” he still takes care of himself, only covertly. As in a joke about Cheburashka: "Gena, let me carry a suitcase, and you - me." Addiction message: "I can't live without you!" Message of love: “I can do without you,but I want with you."

4. Contact with reality

With emotional dependence, contact with reality is lost, the object is sometimes idealized, then devalued. The partner is "the best", then "the worst". The infantile personality retains a childish need for idealization. First, it's nice to be euphoric with idealization; secondly, this is how self-esteem rises (“If I have such a wonderful partner, then I’m fine too”); thirdly, the idealized object is more attractive. The essence of this idealization boils down to one thing: the image of the ideal parent is projected onto the object. But there is no ideal, the object does not become an ideal dad / mom, and depreciation sets in: "He did not live up to my expectations!" It can even be perceived as a betrayal.

Love occurs when partners have passed the primary stage of idealization, falling in love, projections, then passed the secondary stage of disappointment (they learned the worst sides of each other). And then love appeared: you see your partner as he is, with pluses and minuses. You don't try to remake, you just accept.

Such a grown-up love

From emotional dependence to love, the distance is both small and large. About the same as from childhood to adulthood. Because emotional dependence is always infantile, and love is a mature personality trait. Personalities:

• self-sufficient,
• responsible,
• accepting herself and capable of unconditional acceptance of others,
• able to take care of herself and independently satisfy her needs,
• dignified and respectful of others,
• capable of correct trust and distrust (according to the situation),
• appreciating their uniqueness and the uniqueness of another person.

5. Respect and equality

In love there is equality and respect, in dependence there is no. There may be no respect for the object of dependence at all, or even contempt arises, but it is still impossible to refuse it. In relation to the object of dependence, the infantile often behaves aggressively, whether explicitly or hidden, behind the eyes. Often the following model is built: with the object itself, the infantile behaves ingratiatingly and obsequiously, servile, because he is afraid of losing. But then he begins to complain about him to a third party.

Emotional dependence is not built on equal terms, this is a model of child-parent relations in which the infantile personality is stuck and cannot move to adult partnerships. Infantil plays in a love relationship the role of a child in need of care, or the role of a guardian parent. But he doesn't know how to be an adult partner.

6. Save contact

Both in love and in dependence, the contact between partners becomes tight. In this case, depending on, there is a loss of contact with oneself or a loss of contact with a partner. Dissolving, neglecting your own interests - or requiring a partner to live only your life, follow you. In love, it is possible to live your own life, and to respect the life of a partner, to go through life side by side, each on his own path. In emotional dependence, the contact only seems complete, in fact it is fragmentary: either only with oneself, or only with another.

7. Integrity

Love can hurt, it also contains jealousy, fear of loss, loneliness and resentment … The key difference is that addiction destroys, but love does not. Negative experiences of a dependent person violate his integrity, knock him down, and a mature person can experience pain, preserving himself and psychological stability. Accepting that life doesn't always go the way it wants. Therefore, true love does not lead to suicide. Depression, suicidal attempts, self-harm occur only with emotional dependence.

Growing up is a difficult step to take at any age. But the cost of giving up growing up can be too high.