Table of contents:
- NOTHING HAPPENS "SUDDENLY"
- FAMILY ALPHONES
- LIFE AS A SERVICE
- EXPERT OPINION
- SHELVES - FLOORING
- INSTEAD OF CONCLUSION
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When a child grows up, it is time for him to separate from his parents. This process is painful for both parties, but at the same time natural and healthy. It is similar to childbirth - painful, scary, but a new, in this case an adult, personality is being born.
Each person just needs to go through a series of initiations of growing up and become independent. The department gives many bonuses: a young person gets the opportunity to create his own family, to form a position of a person with his own opinion, to make independent decisions. Parents get the opportunity to relieve themselves of some of the responsibility for the grown-up child, to be proud of the new role of parents of an adult child and, finally, to rest until the grandchildren appear.
But, as Woland said in Bulgakov's immortal work, Muscovites were spoiled by the housing problem. And, as I suspect, not only for Muscovites - the issue of housing remains difficult everywhere, and three or four generations of the family live behind the same front door. The most important thing - territorial separation - is not happening. Being late in the parent's nest is a huge challenge for everyone. So why aren't some nests empty?
NOTHING HAPPENS "SUDDENLY"
It does not happen that "everything was fine", and then the grown-up child decides to sit on the parents' neck, comfortably dangling his legs. It's all about the balance between giving and taking. Of course, a child will never reward his parents as much as was invested in him. From this point of view, a complete balance is impossible, and not necessary, because the correct course of life is to pass on what you have received further to your children.
Nevertheless, a partial balance is needed. Growing up, the child should gradually be given responsibility, have responsibilities (to himself and his family), and also enjoy rights. It all begins with a request to the two-year-old “to wait until mom and dad have dinner” and the sentence “choose the toy you will take to the kindergarten”. Further, through the requirement for the five-year plan to put away their toys, while giving him the right to choose where to go on the weekend. From an eight-year-old - waiting for him to do his homework and pack up a portfolio, but having the right to decide when and in what order. For a teenager - empowering household chores, but with the right to walk longer and choose what to do.
Every year the sphere of responsibility and duties expands, but there are more “carrots” as well - the child gets more and more rights to insist on his desires and make choices. And endowed with rights and responsibilities, accustomed to taking care not only of himself, but also of his family, he approaches the crisis of separation calmly, naturally, without fear. And his parents, too, albeit with sadness, but with a full understanding that he will cope.
In this case, there is no fear of losing the relationship - after all, we are not talking about painful attachment, but about strong contact, where everyone feels free and involved at the same time. In this case, a young man feels his boundaries, can defend them. A willingness is maturing to create your own family and move forward on your path in life.
Problems begin when the balance between “giving” and “taking” in the family is broken. What are these situations?
Pavel is 30 years old, but he lives with his parents. He is a lawyer by education, but he did not work for a day by profession, which, according to the legal community, is equivalent to professional suicide. Pavel does not work, but "builds a body" by regularly going to the gym with his parents' money. Sometimes his mother asks his older brother to get Pavel a job, but he is in no hurry, realizing what kind of worker he can "give" to his friends.
The first category of “unseparated” has a parasitic position. Speaking of balance, they take a lot, but give almost nothing. They win their rights, demanding respect for their "adulthood", but the responsibility remains on the shoulders of the parents. Their position is generally conscious, they understand exactly what they are doing and why. Such men and women, who always remain immature, but quite strong "fruits", have a need to maintain a comfortable life without much effort on their part.
Their parents may resist this attitude. But gigolos have a rather stubborn and strong character, and they need a very tangible kick to start living on their own. Not all parents are ready to pack a suitcase and put the child out of the house, albeit with "initial capital". It's a pity somehow … Suddenly he will go on the wrong path, suddenly he will be offended to death and until the end of his life? So they pull the strap, which they themselves are not happy with.
Alphonses can grow out of children who were considered "sickly". Throughout childhood, such children are protected from "additional loads", especially at home. So the child gets used to the fact that "they owe him", and he - to almost no one. Initial misalignment of the give-and-take balance.
What to do? Here, as usual, your decision. Either continue to allow oneself to be manipulated (since this is manipulation in its purest form), or to dot the "Y" by starting to demand and create uncomfortable conditions at home. Remember how birds push chicks out of the nest. How a female elephant drives away a grown elephant calf without giving more milk. Increased? Go, get it, eat, taught everything, then - by yourself. But we, "social animals" (even sometimes too much), hardly decide to take such steps, although they are necessary for the future.
LIFE AS A SERVICE
Svetlana was brought up by her mother and grandmother since childhood. The father was not there - he left, and my mother no longer wanted to see him either in her life or in the life of her daughter. Mom all the time looked for features in which Svetlana looked like her father, and tried to eradicate them. At the same time, my mother "did everything for her daughter" - and outfits, and entertainment, and travel. Such a wild mixture of rejection and mad love. Svetlana turned 21 when she “got married”. This did not last long, about three years - my mother did everything to prevent the marriage from taking place. A young couple, on the initiative of her husband, moved away from her mother, but that did not save her - six months later, Svetlana found herself on the threshold of her mother's apartment with her two-year-old daughter in her arms.
ONCE UPON A TIME, IN A FAIRYTAIL
Do you believe in stories with a happy ending? Something like this: "and they lived happily ever after …" This is how many fairy tales end. I've always wondered, what next? Let's imagine that the sleeping beauty woke up, they live happily ever after with the prince. Happily? Yes, they live in every way, like everyone else. And one fine day the princess "realizes": everything that happens in her life - difficulties in her career, the children do not reach the ideal, the prince somehow faded - happens because mom and dad did not love so much. Our heroine is ready to appropriate her own achievements, but difficulties are not. How does this happen? One of the main differences between a "real" adult is the willingness to take responsibility for their lives. If it works out, then it becomes possible to move to a new level of relations with parents, children, prince. Look around and ask yourself: "What is the continuation of my fairy tale?"
When a child has a "weak" personality, it is difficult for him to stand up for himself. He prefers not to argue, fit in, avoid conflicts, endure, keep his opinion to himself. All these qualities do not allow to overcome the force of "magnetic attraction" that holds in the parental family. As for rights and responsibility, in such a system the child is deprived of both: the right to make important decisions, and the parent is responsible for them.
The main intrigue arises when a parent who maintains symbiosis dies. It is very difficult for an adult child left alone, who by this time may be 35–40–50 years old, to understand how to continue to live and what to do. Sometimes he "sticks" to a stronger brother or sister. Another option is to quickly "get drunk", as he is very prone to addictions.
Such children are often the youngest of the dyad of brothers and sisters. More often (from experience) - boys. They are brought up independently by a mother or in a family where mother and father have broken partnerships. In this case, all the power of love is directed to the children (or one of them, the “weakest”). He is brought up on a sense of guilt - "… otherwise mom will feel bad" - which leads him further in life. The child's weak personality is "nourishment" for the neurotic mother, but at the same time gives her a sense of the need and meaning of life.
What to do? It is very difficult to get out of the situation. If you have a small child, there is a chance to notice the emerging situation and start working on yourself, building up internal supports (so that there is no such need for external ones). If you are an adult child stuck in such a relationship, you should see a therapist. Understand the situation, realize your own value and potential, and gradually separate.
SHELVES - FLOORING
But the most vital situation, perhaps, is when the young man has nowhere to live except with his parents. These are people with a normal life orientation towards the department - they study, go to work, try to provide for themselves. Therefore, they want to take for themselves not only adult "rights", but they are also ready to bear responsibility. But due to the fact that a grown-up child cannot allocate funds for renting an apartment, and buying seems to be a very fantastic option, he continues to live with his parents.
If the family has already formed a balance and the child, as he grows up, was endowed with duties and rights, felt himself within the family, felt his need, then even in conditions of cohabitation, separation and initiation into adulthood is possible.
What to do? In such families, difficulties may arise at the stage of the appearance of a wife or husband in the same territory. But with a mature adult position, problems are temporary. Parents and young families do not question whether the young generation has a right to their voice. They discuss not “what”, but “how”: whether the budget and meals will be joint or separate, how to pay the rent, how household issues will be resolved.
If problems begin like “in our family, everything is decided only by the mother-in-law,” “the wife does not want to do anything around the house, and my mother is unhappy,” etc. - you need to pay attention to the balance between what people are ready to give to each other and what we would like to receive.
INSTEAD OF CONCLUSION
If several generations of a family live together, it is always difficult. But this does not mean at all that children remain infantile and completely dependent on their parents. With a normal balance of “give” and “take”, both children and parents can be sufficiently independent and united. In cases where the balance is disturbed, the child continues to live with the parents, either sitting on their neck, or unable to leave. Sometimes he puts his own family on the same "neck". If you are in a similar situation and it bothers you - it's time to collect stones.