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Video: "Can There Still Be Love?" - Relations
Late fall. A condition that can overtake at any age. You can go headlong into work, drown in pink bubbles of soap operas and romantic novellas, where passions seethe and overflow, and the sensations are sharp, like the first time. And you can delve into the memory and pull out into the light of day memories of the days when we loved avidly and it was mutual. You can even try to get those feelings back. Will it work?
If someone told Eugene Onegin that years later he would unsuccessfully try to return Tatyana Larina's love, would he then joke about the feelings of a young girl? Yes. Nothing would change. He would have neglected them anyway. This is how we are made. What we have - we do not store, having lost - we cry.
We cry and try to return what we have lost. Why? Psychologists are unanimous in the fact that in a person, paradoxically, along with the ability to love irrationally, unselfishly and unconditionally, there is an egoistic desire to maintain the usual world order, in which every thing is on its shelf. At the same time, the role of things in our minds is often played by close people, relatives, husbands-wives, lovers and fans. All of them serve our sense of our own worth at the height we are accustomed to.
Just as a boss may not notice a faceless at first glance, but extremely efficient employee, on whom the entire production process rests, so we may not realize for years how much the presence of this or that person in it really means to our life … But everything flows and changes. A valuable employee moves to a competing company. The whole well-oiled mechanism of work is crumbling before our eyes, the company suffers losses. The chief's eyes open. There comes a reassessment of the existing relationship.
“The desire to return love arises, as a rule, in the left side,” says psychotherapist Victoria Panchenko.
The loss of love is especially acute when a person, having lived with a partner for years, believes in the stability and inviolability of marriage.
Such constancy, of course, is good for the psyche, nevertheless, it is terribly harmful to relationships: “In marriage, people often lose their hunting passion, interest in a partner, and the desire to consciously strengthen the marriage. The most painful is women, whose emotional and material well-being depends on their spouse."
Such couples can be compared to the flight of two passengers on an airplane, where one decides that he is tired. He takes the parachute that he had stored in advance and says: "I'm jumping." Such a passenger usually turns out to be a more successful partner, most often a man who is not an enemy to himself and whose natural human need for knowledge and development manifests itself more strongly. The second partner is not ready for this turn of events. He thought the flight would last forever.
Is there a chance that in such a situation, the beloved will change his mind to flee? There is! But will the abandoned half be satisfied with the reason why the life partner can return? Alas, this reason is often far from love: “In fact, we are not talking about the return of love, but about the fact that it becomes a pity to give someone their usual thing,” explains the psychotherapist. If a woman is smart enough to pretend instead of hysterics, then she has someone, very often the partner returns.
This technique will not work if the old feelings are consumed by everyday life, the spouses have not managed to become friends, Victoria Panchenko believes.
If the former lovers, having lived some happy time in marriage, for one reason or another parted, but did not bury their respect for each other under mutual insults, insidious revenge and derogatory claims, they have every chance, having lived separately, to reunite again.
Moreover, such couples often realize how dear they are to each other, and, having united again, treat each other much more attentively and carefully. As a rule, to return, in such cases, people need only a year and a half, so sometimes you just have to wait.
Roughly speaking, the ability to return love is often the ability to properly part. The chances of rebuilding the relationship are dramatically increased if the injured party acts as if they were entitled to a new life with the separation.
No matter how a person boasts of his reason and intellect, emotions, according to psychologists, determine his choice much more often, as well as their absence. If life lacks drive, there are dull, predictable gray everyday life all around, where to get new impressions? Books, movies, TV? Past!
Memories of old, long-past first love are often devoid of anger and selfish expectations. Over time, we forgive ourselves for our mistakes made out of inexperience, we forget all the pain we have suffered. Only good, bright, sweet moments come to mind, warm and nourish the imagination, which, in turn, spurs the desire to regain lost happiness.
This scenario is especially true for those who are humiliated, reproached and nailed by their real partners, thereby pushing into the arms of the past. If a person catches his first love on social networks of the Internet, and that, in turn, is free, then old feelings flare up again, and this is far from uncommon, experts say. Although disappointments happen much more often. What can we do, our imagination is a great artist, always ready to serve us and paint our expectations in bright colors as opposed to real, not always rosy reality.
Whatever the present, it is better than the ghostly past and vague future, Victoria Panchenko believes and quotes her favorite proverb: “A person who lives in the past has already died. The person who lives in the future has not yet been born. Only those who live for today really live. " Therefore, even speaking about the ways to return the former love, the therapist convinces: "Start a new life here and now!"
Psychologist Andrey Kopyev distinguishes a separate category of people for whom the return of loved ones "to their place" becomes the meaning of life.
“Abbot Prevost’s novel Manon Lescaut is an illustration of a relationship model where one escapes and the other tries to return it,” Andrey Kopyev gives an example. "She constantly finds herself in the arms of another man, and he is a very impressionable monogamous man, whose feelings are completely subordinated to one woman, and he follows her until his last breath."
In the real world, the opposite is true. Attachment and impressionability are more manifested by women. Men are more inclined to follow the manifesto of the poet Andrei Voznesensky: "Do not return to your past lovers, there are no past lovers in the world."
To start all over again and not dwell on the past is a universal recipe that sounds from the lips of many experts. It is universal because its application helps, firstly, to return past love, and secondly, to find a new one, and sometimes both options at the same time. Even if you are together again, psychologists strongly recommend leaving all the past, both good and bad, behind, looking for something that will be interesting and dear to both in the present as a foundation for a relationship.
Experts find it difficult to give an answer to whom it is easier to start from the beginning - a man or a woman. On the one hand, the very task of "returning love" confronts a woman much more often than a man. “How to return a loved one”, “how to return a husband” - such requests are in the millions, while “how to return a wife” are rare. Men, judging by the Internet, are much more concerned about how to get back their driving licenses, which were taken away for a violation, perhaps because moving forward, anyway, is an integral quality of male psychology.
In this context, it is still easier for men to start a new life with a new woman, instead of chasing an old (in every sense) love. On the other hand, if a man finds himself in the role of an abandoned person, it is more difficult for him to recover from mental trauma, since the notorious male pride is much more sensitive to mental trauma than the female, always doubting, ready to sacrifice herself for the welfare of the family and children.
In addition, it is more difficult for us to part with the usual way of life and it is harder to climb - this is due to the national mentality. We are more attached to our friends, belongings, parental family, the place where we grew up. How can another life begin and new love enter into it, if we tirelessly turn the beaten paths in the same circle of people, things and circumstances? The inability to break this circle pushes us into the arms of the same people, predictable, hateful, indifferent, dependent on us just as we depend on them. And we, in the weakness of our own habits, try to call this compromise with our souls love.
Psychologist Aleksey Denisov told about one very common form of addiction: “Very often we choose as our beloved those who play the role of parents or other relatives that are significant to us. The fact is that subconsciously we are striving for harmony. And if in childhood difficulties arose in relations with parents that were never resolved, these problems settle in the subconscious and the task of dealing with these complexes remains. So we are looking for our beloved in the image and likeness.
For example, if a woman has some complexes associated with her father, and she meets a man who will play the role of her dad, it will be very difficult to part with such a person. And if one day he wants to leave, the woman will most likely fight to the last, trying to get him back. Alexey Denisov believes that such a psychotherapy tool as constellations according to the Bert Hellinger method are very effective, since they allow you to end a relationship with a former partner so that the next relationship is based on love, and not on children's complexes.
The line between a deep need to enjoy the company of a partner, which can be called love, and pathological dependence on him is sometimes so thin that it can only be determined by an experienced specialist. Therefore, before making plans for the return of a loved one, it is worthwhile to understand yourself, so that later you do not regret the mediocre time and energy that could have gone into creating a new, bright present filled with sincere feeling.
There is also another extreme. Andrey Kopyev notes that the ability to establish long-term, deep, responsible relationships, to fight for them, is lost by a modern person: “Now the speed with which you can easily get along with your partner, just disperse without effort, then move back together, but not for long, nothing without burdening each other. " This type of relationship is promoted from TV screens and from the pages of magazines. Moreover, earlier such behavior was forgiven only for men, or rather, they turned a blind eye to him, justifying the polygamous nature of the stronger sex.
“Now, thanks to TV shows like Sex and the City, women are convinced that superficial relationships based on a momentary sexual whim is the norm, it's fashionable! - Andrey Kopyev laments. - Nothing healthy in this, in my opinion, is not visible, this behavior can be called mental impotence.
To return a “loved one” to prove to yourself that you are not one of those who are abandoned - such motivation can also indicate a triumph of ambition and vanity. Why return the "betrothed"? If he is destined by fate, he will return himself, the psychologist believes.
All experts are unanimous that the more partners are connected, the more chances that the reunification will take place. For example, Alexey Denisov offers to analyze the connection with a loved one at the physical, emotional, intellectual and social levels. If the connection with your beloved is not overshadowed by resentments in each of these areas of life, then you can sleep peacefully: everything will return to normal.