How To Survive In Home Hell - Reviews

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

Each person, as the English poet John Donne said, is not an Island and not in itself, but he is not only a part of the Mainland and not only a part of a clan in the highest sense of the word, but also a part of his family. Often quite small. It is here, behind the doors closed from prying eyes, that the very "tears invisible to the world" often flow, and it is close people who know your pain points and are able to deliver the most destructive blows.

HEALTHY EGOISM

Hotchkis S.

Hell's web. How to survive in a world of narcissism

Moscow: Class, 2010.

Pastoral pictures of quiet family joys are very rarely the subject of research. But the sophisticated manifestations of a small home hell are diagnosed, described, studied. "The Family and How to Survive in It" is the title of the book by John Kees and Robert Skinner. The initial surprise that the process of family survival has become the subject of special efforts has now been replaced by a request for benefits with more specific advice and guidance. They are printed, often their names begin with "How …".

In 2010, a book by the doctor of psychology, psychoanalyst from California, Sandy Hotchkis, “Hell's Web. How to survive in the world of narcissism. " The nature of narcissistic personality disorders has recently been investigated by both academics and practicing analysts. The peculiarity of Sandy Hotchkis' book is that it is almost a practical guide.

A mother who did not speak to her daughter for several years because she wore the wrong color for the wedding. A husband who completely subordinated his wife to his interests, his career, forcing him to abandon his own professional growth. A girl who constantly idealizes her young people and cannot maintain a relationship with anyone. Sound familiar?

Sandy Hotchkis calls narcissism a disease that separates us from each other and from real life. “Healthy narcissism,” that is, “investing energy in your true Self,” is opposed by people whose ideas about life are limited, who consider their needs more important than the needs and aspirations of others, and who use others for their own purposes. At the same time, the world of narcissistic personalities can be bright and attractive, the author writes, and we inevitably fall under their charm. So the first step is to recognize the narcissist before he drives us crazy.

Sandy Hotchkis counted seven signs by which you can easily recognize a narcissistic personality. They are listed in the chapter “The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism”. These are “shamelessness”, “magical thinking” (the dependence of such a person on her fantasies), “arrogance”, “envy” (or its other pole - servility), “claim to possession of the right” (and the accompanying rage), “exploitation of others people in interpersonal relationships”and“weak boundaries”.

What is to be done with all this knowledge? Knowing where narcissism comes from is clearly not enough, although, of course, the chapters "Childhood Narcissism" and "Narcissistic Parent" are useful for all parents to study (especially since "narcissistic" parents often reproduce their own kind in the person of their own children). The practical part is called "Strategies for Survival in the World of Narcissism." There are only four of them, but they are extremely important. The first is “Know thyself”. This is a prerequisite! "If you think that you often have to deal with these people or feel the power of their temptation, think about what old problems you want to solve by being drawn into virtually impossible relationships." The second is "Keep in touch with reality!" Try to see people as they are, not as you want them to be. The third is "Set boundaries."And the fourth, the main one, - "Learn to form mutual relations in which each partner makes some contribution and everyone gets some benefit."

The author demonstrates how these strategies work in a chapter that describes teenagers with different ages, colleagues and especially “narcissistic” bosses, beloved and elderly parents.

BROTHER-GOD, BROTHER-POOR

Fleming J., Schwartz L.

How to prevent friends and family from getting a net around your neck

M.: Eksmo, 2011.

Among the entire spectrum of our relations with relatives, there is a painful topic that concerns everyone. These are money and other material values. The book by Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwartz "How to prevent friends and family from being nailed around your neck" begins with the following fact: "Which of the two events would you prefer: one of your relatives asks you for a large sum of money, or you get the flu in severe form? " We asked this question to 800 respondents in a nationwide survey. You probably had no difficulty in guessing that two thirds of the respondents would prefer to have had a severe flu."

The book examines in detail more than 100 typical conflict situations that arise between friends and relatives on the basis of money.

Moreover, the simplest situation - he gave money to a relative in debt, but he does not give it back - is by no means the only one. For example, a sister lent her brother, when his firm went bankrupt, a certain amount without interest. The brother regularly paid the agreed monthly amount, but after six months he found a new job, his wealth increased dramatically, and he immediately bought himself a car. However, his sister is offended, and his son-in-law is so simply enraged: they believe that first of all he should have repaid the debt, and only then make expensive purchases for himself.

Do you know how many people suffer from having to pay at the bar for friends who never return the money they spent on them? Tell or not tell your family if you get rich unexpectedly? What if a relative sells a gift from you?

They say that the well-fed does not understand the hungry, in the same way, the attitude towards money among people of different incomes can be very different. One may offend the other without even thinking of offending, and the other may not know the true value of the gifts. By the way, the eternal question is whether to respond to a relative's request for professional advice with a free service or to bill for the consultation? Often misunderstandings or resentments in this sensitive issue arise because people treat money differently, they are careless and do not attach importance to material issues. And if there is a deliberate parasitism on family or friendly feelings?

According to the sociologist Dalton Conley, which is cited in the book, children raised in the same family in adulthood often differ in terms of income. That is, "most of the economic inequality is concentrated within families, not among them." In other words, differences in income levels between siblings are much more common than differences in wealth between different families. What to do if one of your relatives is more fortunate in life than you? Should people with a stable income support their relatives? What if adult sons continue to sit on their parents' necks? (However, the authors of the book answer the last question unambiguously: it is time to present their sons with a utility bill.)

LEAVE WAYS OF WASTE

Melton K., Wallace R.

The CIA's Secret Instruction on Deception and Deception Techniques

M.: Alpina non-fiction, 2010.

In the book “Hell's Web. How to survive in the world of narcissism ", which was mentioned above, the author gives advice: in order to maintain relationships with relatives," narcissists ", especially the elderly, develop the capacity for emotional detachment. This is not such a simple matter: who, if not the closest ones, know the buttons that turn us on.

To be calm about what is happening, perhaps the "CIA Secret Instruction on Technique of Deception and Deception" will help you. Keith Melton and Robert Wallace, the authors of this book, claim that while working in the CIA archives on another project, they accidentally stumbled upon a spy manual written by famed magician John Mulholland.

An Introduction and General Considerations for the Art of Deception - this chapter begins the book. Deception, as described by the illusionist, is indeed a whole art.

It would seem that we are talking about a family - what does this have to do with the secret manipulations of magicians and spies? But if it is about "how to survive" or "how to survive", then why not use the tools from the arsenal of secret agents? Just in order to look at the situation from the outside, as agents do, not getting involved in it emotionally, not succumbing to the provocations of the same narcissistic personalities and always leaving a path of escape. Agents, too, always strive to survive!

After all, those relatives who cause us suffering, violating our boundaries, suppressing them with a sense of their own superiority, are strong in our feelings and our pain.

We wish you victory in this battle for mutual relations!