Echoes Of The Past - Society

In front of me is a 35-year-old man, slender, handsome, with good posture and confident movements. We work in one team. But as often happens, I went to work and stayed to talk about my personal problems …

Mikhail: Recently, I do not understand what is happening to me. Trouble seemed to come. Twice I almost got into an accident. I made repairs, cut myself so that I walked with a bandaged hand for two weeks. For a long time already nothing, except for a mild acute respiratory disease, did not hurt, and then suffered severe bronchitis.

I am almost sure that Mikhail does not even suspect that all these incidents may have internal psychological prerequisites. He is largely responsible for these situations, although he perceives them as coincidences. Perhaps this is a subconscious desire, if not for death, then for "flight into illness"? It is necessary to clarify what could be the reasons.

Yulia Vasilkina: For some reason, you strive for life-threatening situations. Let's try to figure out why?

Mikhail, of course, was surprised and tried to reject this idea. But a few days later he came to me again, already for a consultation, in order to take his time trying to figure out the situation.

M.: These days I kept thinking, what is wrong with my life? Which can lead me to danger. I had already decided for myself that this was complete nonsense and psychological inventions, but yesterday I miraculously avoided an accident again.

Yu. V.: Let's start with the family. Do you see any problems?

M.: No, I don't. Everything is fine with my wife, we live together. Recently we went to rest, so in general everything is wonderful. Children are also mostly happy.

Yu. V.: How is it at work? Maybe stress, conflicts?

M.: Of course, I was recently appointed to a higher position, but this did not cause additional stress. In fact, I have been performing these functions for several months, so the official appointment was only to consolidate my position. By the way, the wife is very proud.

Yu. V.: Perhaps there are problems in some other areas of life: debts or inability to get rid of some kind of addiction?

M.: No, nothing like that.

Mikhail spoke confidently, and there was no reason to doubt his sincerity. Moreover, he obviously wanted to understand what was going on himself.

Y. V.: Have you had any serious traumatic situations? (When asking a question, I do not specify what is included in this concept so that the client can fill it with meaning on his own.)

M.: A year and a half ago, my father died. Of course, it was very painful for the whole family, especially for my mom.

I asked Mikhail in more detail. The process of mourning for Michael himself went on as usual, going through all the phases on time and without "sinking" in any of them. Moreover, the period of loss is already long enough to cause such a massive "attack" of dangers, which fell on Mikhail no more than a month ago. The last option remains, and it will be even more unexpected for my client.

Yu. K.: Well, let's look deeper. Perhaps it's the family system. Sometimes the past of its members can influence us in the most unexpected ways.

We took paper and pen and began to sketch Mikhail's family system. This diagram is similar to a family tree, and in depicting it, we must include all relatives. Sometimes, however, it is enough to draw straight lines to grandparents. Sometimes it takes longer to search.

I knew what to look for in this case: some "forgotten" or rejected man, who died or died at the age of about 35 years. People who for some reason are “denied” to be in the family system, whom their descendants are trying to forget, have a much greater influence on them. Perhaps this man also bore the name Mikhail.

We drew a family system: Mikhail, his brother, parents, two pairs of grandparents, aunts and uncles on both sides. All is well, everyone is either still alive or died in old age. Not a single Mikhail, not a hint of "forgotten figures". Is this path also wrong?

Yu. V.: Mikhail, look carefully, is everything in place?

M.: Yes, everything (pleasure on the face). I don't know … Maybe it will be important … But I was not talking about my own father, but about my stepfather. I just live with him since childhood, and he is like a father to me. I've always called him that.

Thunder and lightning! Does it matter ?! Yes, it turns the whole system upside down! Here it is: a whole "outcast branch", in which it is worth looking for our defendant! We started to draw this branch. It turned out that Mikhail's own father drank heavily and for this very reason he was abandoned by his mother when the boy was 5 years old. But the problem was that Mikhail was never told about his relatives from the “other side”, and we could not depict this thread. Nevertheless, I was sure: Mikhail needed to learn about everything in as much detail as his mother could tell him about it. We finished the consultation, and he got the assignment to ask Mom and draw a branch with her.

I was not sure of success, because the woman might not want to raise this topic. But a week later Mikhail came to me again. He looked triumphant.

M.: I don't know if we are looking for this, but I think I understood something. Look, there are several relatives on the father's side. His cousin's name was Mikhail, and he died at the age of 36, fell on a pitchfork from a wagon of hay. Of course he was drunk. By the way, now I remember that my mother told me about him as a child, but she didn’t say that he was my father’s cousin. Cited as an example of how dangerous alcohol is. Apparently, she was afraid that I, too, would someday start drinking. And there is also one Mikhail in this branch: his father's uncle. He died at 35 from pneumonia.

One of these shapes was the main one, the other enhanced the effect. Their fate had a strong subconscious influence on his fate. When you first learn that such a fatal influence is possible in the family system, it seems like some kind of "shamanism" and something completely unscientific. But here is what G. Weber, a systemic psychotherapist, a student of B. Hellinger writes: “The ancestral conscience cares about those who were excluded from the system, about the misunderstood and forgotten, about those who were not given their due, and about those who are dead … conscience chooses for itself someone innocent from those born later, who, under its pressure, by identification, imitates this person. He did not choose this for himself, he does not notice it, and he cannot resist. " Mikhail, following his namesake relatives, completely unaware of this, began to reach for death,when his age began to approach the “critical mark” at 36, in other words, he began to subconsciously look for a way to leave after them. And most likely, he would have found it, had not we brought all this "magic" to the surface.

Yu. V.: Well, Mikhail. We have found key figures who have influenced the current period of life. Now this influence has weakened many times, because you have become aware of it. Now you have to pay tribute to these forgotten figures and the entire family branch of your father.

Of course, this procedure is best carried out on "constellations" according to the Hellinger system, where the process is led by an experienced coach, and I recommended Mikhail to go through such a "constellation". But in the office, in order to somehow complete the process, I asked Mikhail to introduce my parents, standing behind him, and behind the parents to "line up" relatives on each side. Mikhail needed to utter several "phrases that bring liberation" (in the terminology of systemic therapy). Addressing his father, he said the so-called "prayer at the dawn of life", the main leitmotif of which is gratitude for the fact that his father gave life to Mikhail. It was also necessary to refer to other important figures …

M. (addressing his father's cousin and uncle): "I respect your life and your death."

PS Mikhail still did not dare to take part in the Hellinger's constellations. True, he read the book by G. Weber "Crises of Love", which more than once was another reason for discussion.