It's Time To Be Successful - Blogs

A friend of mine came to this idea at the age of 39. A month ago, she did not receive the position of head of department, which, not without reason, had been counting on for more than one year. This failure made her seriously wonder why she constantly finds herself in a losing streak. She was a diligent employee and worked for this company for many years. But as soon as she was instructed to lead the project and "put at the helm", everything fell apart - and always as if due to circumstances beyond her control. For example, at the most crucial moment, she could get sick or did not make a decision for so long that she wasted time and broke an important contract.

This is how parental prescriptions made themselves felt, which shape the child's attitude towards himself and the world around him and affect a person at any age. Psychologists identify 10 such negative statements: “don't do”, “don't be”, “don't get close”, “don't be significant”, “don't be a child”, “don't grow up”, “don't be successful”, “don't be yourself”, “Don't be normal”, “don't be healthy”.

Parents often send these messages to the child, either publicly or secretly, and thereby program his behavior for many years to come. How does this happen? Firstly, they can repeat a phrase many times and emotionally, for example: “Don't do it! You still won't succeed! " Secondly, they can punish with lack of attention, dissatisfaction, if the child does not behave as it should. Or, conversely, to encourage the behavior they want, making it the only one possible. This leads to the fact that the child develops repetitive patterns in thoughts, feelings and actions, habitual ways of perceiving and reacting to a situation. On the one hand, stereotypes make our lives safer and more comfortable. Agree, it's nice to wander through the park, where every path is familiar to us. But on the other hand, they start to "slow down" us,prevent us from using our potential "one hundred percent", lead us around the same problems.

To understand her problem, my friend turned to a psychologist. She herself had neither the strength nor the ideas why everything was so bad. With his help, she clearly saw in her behavior the stereotypes caused by those very parental prescriptions. It was they who forced her to make the same mistake - to run away from responsibility at the moment when it was necessary to prove herself as a strong-willed, decisive, strategically thinking person. So, unknowingly, she followed the parental prescription “don't be healthy” - and fell ill as soon as she approached an important and responsible situation. From childhood, she learned: to get permission from her parents not to do homework, not to prepare for an exam in a music school, etc. is possible on one condition - if you get sick. Otherwise, you will have to work without stopping and give out to the mountain. But of course it wasn't the amount of work that scared her.and the need to endure the test and emerge victorious from it.

Moreover, this fear was as unconscious as another parental attitude - "do not be successful." Her parents took her success as the norm as a child, for granted. For her excellent studies, first place in a sports competition, or in a reading competition, she received no emotional rewards. But when she had serious troubles - a conflict with a teacher, poor grades - they immediately paid attention to her. And now she, without realizing it, begins to create problems for herself, because she is waiting for attention and a lively response from the leader.

An unconscious unwillingness to succeed forced my friend to leave the race over and over again when all the rivals were already behind. In addition, her parental injunction, “don't do it,” prevented her from “finishing”. What it is? The child constantly hears: "do not run, do not jump, do not climb - you can fall", "do not draw - you will smear everything." It is clear that his parents are worried about him. But sometimes this anxiety goes beyond the bounds of reason, and the child is not allowed to do anything himself, they constantly “hit him on the hands”. As a result, a person grows up who hardly decides to do something and avoids failure.

It is not surprising that my friend always hesitated for a long time before making any decision, and doubted everything. In this case, she was influenced by another parental prescription - “don't feel”. How does it arise? For example, a child says: "The porridge is not tasty," and the mother answers: "Don't make it up, it's delicious." He fell down, it hurts, and his parents say: "Don't cry, you don't hurt." Whatever the child says, everything is questioned. As a result, a person grows up who does not trust his own feelings, does not trust his intuition. It can be very difficult for him to understand himself and those around him simply because he has not formed an “alphabet of feelings”. He is forced to double-check himself a hundred times: am I thinking correctly, maybe everything is completely wrong? Hence the indecision, the uncertainty of my friend, the constant fear of taking responsibility.

Investigating the reasons for her failure, morbidity, helplessness, she gradually began to distinguish where she was acting, and where - her “obedient child”, and eventually learned to control him. Having figured out the origins of her problems, she clearly heard that she was talking to her son in the intonations of her mother, reading the same moral teachings and also protecting him from life. She realized that her parents had at one time experienced the same anxiety, the same desire to protect their child - therefore, all claims against them, all childish grievances were put aside.

It is clear that not everyone can turn to a specialist, but everyone is able to think about what they are failing, see the problem and try to reprogram themselves for success. Understanding a problem means half solving it.