Dating A Dating Site (2) - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-08-25 11:55

Continuation. For the beginning see 2 (37) 2010 or on the website www.psyh.ru

Psychologist Irina Solovieva, together with the magazine "Psychology for Every Day", continues the project "Real Love". Our goal is to debunk the myth that dating on sites does not lead to serious results and to prove that anyone can find their soul mate. A lot of surprises and revelations await you and us on the way …

So, Tanin's profile on the dating site Mamba is full, the photo is selected. Now her profile is visible to all users, and the girl herself can also view other people's pages. And immediately questions arise.

WAITING WHEN YOU WILL WRITE TO, OR SEARCH FOR YOURSELF?

Each position - both active and passive - has its own pros and cons. Of course, an active search allows you to choose someone who you really liked and try to establish contact with him, while a wait-and-see attitude narrows the choice - you only respond to someone's suggestions or ignore them.

But initially, female-male relations imply the activeness of the man and the passivity of the woman. The Internet space does not change anything in this regard. No matter how civilized, emancipated, educated we are, these instincts continue to remain in us. They are fixed at the genetic level, we are born with this, just like a bird knows how to build a nest …

A man is a hunter, he needs to conquer a woman, and a woman needs to be conquered … This is the plot we can see in fairy tales and legends, and they, being folk art, are born from the deepest layers of our psyche - this level Carl Gustav Jung called the collective unconscious. You will not find a single folk tale in which a woman achieves a man - this can only be a short episode of the tale (the heroine rejected the hero, he proudly left, after which she, feeling the loss, suddenly appreciated him and rushed to catch up). Authors' tales do not count - they are creations of a more superficial layer of the psyche, the individual unconscious author, his life experience and problems …

A woman, preening herself, attracts male attention to herself, and then she chooses the one she loves from the admirers … This is a more natural, harmonious model of behavior.

Therefore, we recommend that Tatyana also focus not on actively searching and viewing men's profiles, but on making her profile attract attention, standing out from thousands of others. Humor, non-standard wording can help with this …

Indeed, in everyday life, a girl is unlikely to approach a man with the words: "Young man, can I meet you?" Most likely, she will more diligently monitor her appearance, as if sending signals "yes" … Of course, a man who has encountered a woman-conqueror may be pleasant, flattering … And first he will respond to her call. But exactly what "first" - then nature will take its own, and from the prey he wants to become a hunter again - and will look for a more feminine …

Yes, there are couples for whom this law does not work: a woman continues to be active, and a man - passivity, and such a union can last for years or even decades. But only the roles in these pairs are inverted - reversed. In the Yang - masculine - position is the woman, and in the Yin - feminine - the man is. Such relations, of course, have a right to exist, the main thing is that they suit both partners. And if at the very beginning of the relationship the activity belongs to the woman, then the masculine man will not agree with this, will kick up, and if he agrees to this role, then this speaks of his femininity …

Therefore, it is important for a woman to decide which scenario she prefers, and in accordance with this, choose her model of behavior on the site.

WHOM TO ANSWER, AND TO WHOM NOT?

Tanya receives dozens of letters from users, and it's easy to drown in this ocean. Of course, it is impossible to correspond with everyone, and it is not necessary.

By what principle to carry out the screening, everyone decides for himself, but it is better to clearly formulate these criteria for themselves, and then adhere to them.

It is important to keep in mind the initial goal: what type of relationship you are looking for, what kind of man can fit into this model, and relate the message that came and its author to this "standard". So, Tatiana is looking for a serious relationship, so if the letter begins with the words: "Hello, pussy, what a nice ass you have," then you don't need to read the text further …

In addition, each girl has her own individual “selection criteria” - for example, the sign of the zodiac, the height of the man, the color of the hair … the type of relationship you want. This is the "filling", and the color of the eyes and height is the "wrapper", candy wrapper …

SHOULD I GIVE A PHONE NUMBER?

How quickly and to whom to give your phone number is a personal choice of every woman. However, when making a decision, it is worth considering the following points:

1. Until the end it is not known what kind of stranger is hiding behind the profile and what are his goals. Maybe he will start calling at 3 am, and when you pick up the phone, he will happily declare: “You are awake? I knew it! Let's chat … "Or then SMS from the series" The child urgently needs an operation, money was sent to the account of such and such …"

2. When a man goes to active actions, takes a step towards a woman - for example, offers to switch from virtual communication to telephone, he does this under the influence of his hunting instinct. Of course, he wants to woo a woman, take this trophy to his cave. But on the other hand, he so unconsciously checks the availability of a woman. If the woman immediately agrees to this rapprochement, then this part of him will be disappointed. Yes, men can also be contradictory, this is not only our, female, prerogative!

Remember the story of Leonid Solovyov about Khoja Nasreddin. He looks after the beautiful Guljan, tries to touch her breasts and gets a slap in the face. At first he is disappointed, but then he leaves the date happy: he decides that if she watches herself this way before marriage, then she will be a faithful wife in marriage!

A man who is texting at the same time with dozens of girls can ask for the phone numbers of almost everyone, and at the very beginning of communication on the principle of "what if he gives a ride." But the immediately received number can easily get lost among many others … If the phone was received by a man when psychological contact, mutual interest was established between him and the woman, there were topics for conversation, then it is more likely that he is asking for a number that is not “for collection”, but because he was interested in you.

3. Many women have a fear that if you indicate your “no” to a man (for example, do not give your number on the fly), he will disappear. And this fear in some cases does not arise from scratch. But! This is exactly how the “natural selection” of candidates takes place, the motivation of the man and the depth of the established contact become clearer.

4. If a man is really interested in you, this will only fuel his instinct for a conqueror. If he disappeared - most likely, he is from the category of "collectors" …

If you decide not to give your number right away, then it is important to do it gently so that the man does not perceive it as rejection. Communicate to the interlocutor that you are interested in him, but just think this step is premature. That you are interested in communicating with him, but for now it is better to continue this virtually. There is such a saying: a woman's “I don’t know” means “no,” “no” means “yes, but then,” and “yes” does not mean anything. Your "no" can also be ambiguous …

5. In the psychology of relationships, there are certain patterns. But these are just "some patterns". So everything is individual! And if you feel that it is with this interlocutor that you have established the type of contact that allows you to go further, you can give your number even on the first day of correspondence … Only one person knows whether you are ready for this or not, and this person - you…

QUESTIONNAIRE TANI

Tatiana, 25 years old.

As a child, she dreamed of becoming a translator, but she entered Moscow State University to study journalism - he was not far from home. After graduation, he works as a manager in a travel agency, not standing out for either success or failure. In short, work is like work.

She lives with her parents, is not married, has never been, but really wants to be. To this end, I came to a dating site. But 90% of those who write to her are not of her level … "The strangest thing is that such people, apparently, do not understand the difference between us … Let's say if I meet, say, a plumber (without getting personal) - well, what am I talking about? will I talk to him? About pipe sizes? Or is he a very well-read plumber? And those people who may be interesting to me, apparently, are more modest and decent. They walk around the bush for a long time, not in a hurry to bring communication beyond the bounds of virtuality. Such is the vicious circle."

Psychologist's advice

But not only Tanya had questions to the psychologist - the psychologist also suggested that the girl pay attention to her profile:

1. Tatiana gives very little information about herself. Because of this, the profile can be lost among millions of others. There is healthy competition on the dating site; in this regard, it is no different either from the stock exchange or from the Odessa market on Privoz. Therefore, it is important to attract attention to yourself, stand out, reveal your individual characteristics, so that a man wants to write to you.

2. The information that is still there is dry enough. She characterizes Tatiana as a serious, intellectual girl, which means that she has a fairly high level of requirements for her partner. "Intellectuality" and "intelligence" are wonderful qualities, but the relationship implies an element of play, flirting, coquetry. The sphere of relations between a man and a woman is very delicate, there are many fears here (to be rejected or, on the contrary, to reject, offending a person), therefore a smile, humor are sometimes very helpful, helping to overcome barriers. And besides, a sense of humor perfectly characterizes a person: someone laughs at the cake flying in the face, and someone at the subtle satire.

In connection with these recommendations to Tatyana - add a little smile, try to find a middle ground between seriousness and humor.

3. Also, the wishes for a potential partner are not entirely clear. Perhaps this leads to an abundance of "wrong" letters. If there is no filter - well, then there will be no dropouts.

4. Men and women choose a partner according to different criteria. A woman is guided by a man's model of behavior, and a man is guided by a woman's body. This does not mean that everyone loves blondes 90 - 60 - 90 - they may like different types. As the saying goes, "there is a buyer for each product." A man can fall in love with a woman even for her smile, but we are always talking about the body. Yes, men love with their eyes. And not because they are all as one "lustful males", it's just that their sexual behavior is arranged that way.

The photographs selected by Tatiana are fairly uniform. None of them show the whole body, they do not give an idea of the figure. And besides, the chosen image is also repeated - "sweet intellectual". It's great to be nice and intelligent. But these are certainly not the only sides of Tatiana as a woman.

It is necessary to place a photo where the figure would be visible (of course, the picture must be successful, but not embellished with Photoshop, so as not to cause subsequent disappointment of the man). This does not mean that you need to upload a photo in a mini-bikini - it just needs to give an idea of the features of the physique. And besides, you can add portrait photos that reveal different sides of Tanya's femininity. You can try to play in front of the camera, be different - seductive, flirtatious, shy, inviting. And then select those pictures that, in her opinion, really reflected different sides of her. Such a photo session is a very good experience of self-exploration, revealing your femininity.

After all, the very experience of being on a dating site is aimed primarily at getting to know yourself. All other acquaintances are already secondary …