Punishments: Good And Different - Society

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-08-25 11:55

There is a lot of talk now about how to punish children and whether it is worth doing it at all. Each of us has our own concept of punishment. One considers his own stern glance sufficient, while the other is accustomed to casually giving the child a slap: let him respect!

However, parents sometimes punish even children under the age of one, applying shouts and spanking to them. A child of this age simply does not know that there are established requirements and accepted norms of behavior, he, like a little Martian, is just taking the first steps in mastering this world. And he has two or three years to go before these complex terms.

Do adults have the same perceptions of “established requirements and rules of conduct”? In one family, they often cannot agree! With dad, you can jump on the sofa, because it develops the vestibular apparatus well, with mom - only if she is talking on the phone at that moment, with grandmother - you can’t always, otherwise it will "be killed." It turns out that in the same situation, a child can receive both reward or neutral reaction, and punishment. How can he figure this out?

WHAT WILL WE PUNISH FOR?

Someone shows severity for minimal reasons (a two-year-old boy did not give his hand to a woman when he met), while someone may not pay attention to obvious misconduct for a long time. One child can beat other children, rudely take away toys from them and get only lazy from his mother: "Well, Masya, well, no need …" unwillingness to go home.

Each of the parents, of course, must determine for himself what and how he will punish his child. The main thing is to avoid the extremes of connivance and cruelty, since both of them lead to asocial behavior: connivance - through a feeling of permissiveness and impunity, and cruelty - through the formation of an attitude that the main thing in this world is strength. A reasonable parent balances somewhere in the middle, at each moment deciding for himself how to behave in a particular situation that requires an answer to children's "ugliness". The modern parent often thinks about how to preserve the spiritual comfort of his child, how to punish without harm to the psyche.

THE MAIN THING IS TO FORGIVE

Punishment is a process that must always end in reconciliation between an adult and a child, because the purpose of punishment is to extinguish any conflict. Punishment requires the child to reflect on their behavior and draw conclusions for the future. But why is his "I'm sorry, please, I won't be like this anymore!" often sounds more like a boring tongue twister than a thoughtful position?

Not always a child asking for forgiveness is sincere. Sometimes he wants the punishment to be canceled (for example, he would be allowed to watch cartoons today, and not in a week, as promised); or he wants the painful communication with the parents to finally return to normal and mom starts smiling; or he just got tired of being scolded, although he is bored to hear these words. So the standard "sorry" sounds.

Therefore, the parent, of course, should not deny the child's forgiveness, especially when it is sincere, but it is even more important after this “forgive” to ask: “What exactly are you asking for forgiveness for?” Let the child, as he can at the age at which he is, formulate what he did wrong. This is many times more effective than having your resume done. Another question should also be asked from an adult: "How will you act next time?" This teaches the child to see the perspective, helps to develop the prerequisites for new behavior.

Often in this conversation, the parent also has to ask the child for forgiveness, especially if he could not restrain himself, if he was harsh, if he used force or shouting. The ability of a parent to sincerely ask for forgiveness reigns peace in the child's soul. Unfortunately, many parents are embarrassed to ask for forgiveness, thinking that this could undermine their authority. But in fact, it is important for the child to know that parents can make mistakes, but they ponder them and are responsible for them. Growing up, such a person shows great flexibility in relations with others and with his own children. So goodbye and be forgiven!

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE GINGER BREAD

When it comes to raising children, then the saying about the carrot and stick method applies here. "Stick" is a different kind of punishment, and "carrot" is rewards for good behavior, praise, positive feedback. But unfortunately, parents are much more willing to talk about the child's behavior, for which they are being punished, and are at a loss when asked: "Why are you praising him?" Even more interesting is the look of the preschoolers themselves. They, almost without hesitation, recall the situations in which they were scolded, tell how exactly they are punished. But they are perplexed by the question: "Why is your mother praising you?" According to personal observations, about 40% of children 5-6 years old cannot remember such a situation, another 40% take time, and their story is rather meager, and only 20% say that they are often praised. The first 40% are characterized by self-doubt, often either aggressive,or, on the contrary, are closed. But 20% of children whose parents combine frequent praise with censure are active, have adequate self-esteem, and are confident in their own abilities.

Therefore, the most important rule is to combine punishment with rewards. I think a good proportion would be 30% censure and punishment and 70% positive feedback. When we talk about rewards, we are not talking about "bribery" ("if you clean the bed all week, I will buy you a toy on Saturday"). A child - whether it is a preschooler, schoolchild, or teenager - needs verbal praise and approval. In this case, a positive perception of himself is created and reinforced in him, and the child himself tries to behave in such a way as to maintain this perception. Therefore, if you often pay attention to positive manifestations in the child's behavior, then punishments have to be applied quite rarely, which increases their effectiveness.

So, in punishment, as in reward, justice is extremely important. You can choose any punishment, but if the child considers it unfair, then it will be completely ineffective. For punishment to be effective, it must be personality-centered and dependent on the specific misconduct. And most importantly, even being punished, the child should not lose confidence that he is loved and dear.

HOW TO PUNISH LOVE?

So, the main methods of punishment can be divided into three groups. The first is the so-called controversial punishment, the effectiveness and harm of which is actively argued. The methods of the second group are quite effective, but they must be applied skillfully, and the methods of the third do not cause any complaints.

first group:

1. Physical punishment.

Ranges from a single flip flop with a slipper to a whipping with a belt. The same subgroup includes pinching, pressure on pain points, slaps, cuffs, slaps. These disciplines create the appearance of humility and willingness to obey. Associated with painful sensations, lead to disruption of the inhibitory processes of the cortex and the "riot" of the unconditioned reflex, manifested in the feeling of fear. Sometimes they are effective in especially difficult situations when other methods were used (a 9-year-old girl stole money from her parents and stopped only after being punished with a belt).

If these methods are used often or casually, for prevention, they lead to serious consequences for the child's psyche and form protective behavior in relation to parents.

2. Shameful punishments, arousing fear of spiritual suffering, wounding pride, humiliation of personal dignity. Often associated with exposing intimate parts of the body and exposing the child in this form "for show". Fortunately, they were practically exterminated in preschool institutions, although they were actively used 50-60 years ago.

3. Labeling the child and publicly discussing his wrongdoing.

These are public reprimands associated with the assessment not of the child's act, but of his personality ("clumsy", "rubbish", "turtle", "fool"). It undermines the child's self-esteem, contributes to the loss of parental authority.

second group:

1. Ignoring.

Based on the fear of losing an adult's love. It consists in the fact that the child is “not noticed” for some time, does not react to the demonstrative continuation of undesirable behavior, avoid eye contact with him, talk about the child in the third person and generally behave as if the child is not around. This method works only when there is real respect and love between the adult and the child, because only in this case the child will be afraid of losing it. But ignorance shouldn't last long.

2. Suppression, self-submission.

"I said don't do that, then don't!" - "Why, Mom?" - "Because I said so!" The method of submission to oneself is also used in educational institutions and is often effective. Sometimes a stern glance is enough for a child to reflect on his behavior. Various phrases are also used to show the child "who is in charge here." It may or may not be combined with an explanation of the reasons for the adult's dissatisfaction. Also, varieties of this method include placing in a corner, sitting on a "special" chair and similar methods of limiting activity, when an adult determines the time of punishment. It is recommended that the punishment time does not exceed the number of minutes equal to the child's age (for a 6-year-old - 6 minutes).

3. Regulation of the rights and responsibilities of children.

Punishment can be based on limiting rights (for example, prohibiting computer games for a while), limiting duties (“today you cannot help me set the table”), or, conversely, add them (“you will not only wash the kitchen, after how he spilled juice, but also the floor in the whole apartment ).

It is necessary to ensure that the punishment is as logically connected with the offense as possible, and also follows it in time. Otherwise, the child will only be offended or simply angry. Even if he asks for forgiveness, this does not always mean that he has considered his wrongdoing. Perhaps he just hopes that the parents will cancel the punishment. And in the future, he may begin to hide his real feelings, showing dad and mom only what they like.

third group:

1. Punishment according to the logic of natural consequences.

This concept was developed by R. Dreykurs: there are only consequences of certain actions, not punishment. Consequences are divided into two types: natural, which happen "by themselves" and for which the child has no one to blame but himself, and logical. The logical ones are assigned by the parents and are a contract between them and the child (for example, “if you don’t put away your toys before bed, I will put them in a special bag, and you will be able to receive it only in a week”). This method can be applied only when the child's actions do not create an obvious danger for himself or others.

2. Condemnation of the child's behavior without affecting his personality with the development of a new strategy of behavior.

A child needs "feedback" from an adult to understand whether he is doing the right thing or not. Therefore, judgment is a commonly used method. The main thing is to talk about the child's misconduct (“you acted badly when you did this and that”), and not about his personality (“you are bad”). For such a conversation, you need to choose a time when the emotional state of the child and the adult is almost normalized. Communication should take place "on the same level", that is, the adult should not rise above the child. The adult should ask the child's opinion (“what do you think you did wrong?”). After discussing the situation, the adult and the child together look for options for new behavior in a similar situation, applicable in the future.

3. Appeal to the feelings of an adult with the use of "I" - statements.

Many parents underestimate the importance of their own emotions in relation to their child. Sometimes parents consider it wrong to tell a child “I got angry” or “I got upset when you …”. No, the parent is increasingly accusing him: "You made me angry, you upset me." This position forces the child to defend themselves. When a parent is not afraid to talk about his feelings using "I"-statement, it has a completely different effect on the child. Mom says: "I was upset when you …" - and there is almost no accusation of the child in this, but only information for him that his beloved mother is suffering. Children are not at all “thick-skinned” creatures unable to understand the feelings of an adult. On the contrary, it is extremely important for them to know what the parent is experiencing. Children whose parents have used this method from a very early age grow up to be empathic.

Photo: Yakov Filimonov / Photobank Lori